Oh, She Has A Boyfriend? Here’s How to Put Yourself on the Waitlist and Receive a Secure Message in Your YES Message Center


By Fluke Baller

The art of the Friendzone is a delicate one. You may find yourself balancing an immense hatred for her boyfriend with all the unrequited pining one can muster, all while keeping your feelings hidden at all costs. It’s a dangerous game. Only the strongest and worthiest among us have the heart to enter a trusting emotional relationship with someone based on such a fundamental lie.

“Fluke Baller,” I nevertheless hear you ask, “how do I walk this line? I really like this girl I met three days ago! I know she can fix my crippling social anxiety and manipulative tendencies for me so that I never have to do the work to better myself!”

Well, sweet summer child, consider applying to the hearts of these women like you register for classes. Shoot your shot with as many as you can. Write long, loving emails to explain why you and only you are meant for this class, even if you know you’ll never send them. Try and swoop in when they’re most emotionally vulnerable, the number of men in her Instagram DMs at a mere 3/12 enrolled. Lose hope as you fester in place on the waitlist of her heart. Stare longingly at your inbox, waiting for what you know will never come: 

“A secure message awaits you in the YES Message Center.”

Or, my dear reader, you could work on yourself. Get those study muscles pumping, or build bonds with classes you don’t just want to use for AXLE credit. You could talk to courses you don’t fall head over heels for, but who support you and your academic endeavors. Maybe you and this class both like the Arctic Monkeys, or long walks on the beach or something. Maybe you found a class who would never waitlist you, but instead wanted you and all your academic baggage the whole time. Maybe what you were looking for to fill the goth-mommy-gf-sized hole in your heart was inside you all along. 

But who am I kidding. If all else fails, there will always be the next girl you can obsessively fantasize about for an entire semester while giving no attempt to communicate said feelings in an honest conversation with your so-called “friend.” Good luck!

  • February 15, 2023