OPINION: Vanderbilt, I Do Not Want to Partake in Your Exhibitionism Kink



It’s 7:37 PM on a Saturday night. I have no plans other than walking to the Commons Munchie Mart and buying myself a strawberry banana smoothie that I 140 percent believe has the same ingredients as the ones at McDonald’s. As I embark on my travels, I cast a wandering eye. What spectacles in the sky could I see tonight? A shooting star, a UFO or even the alleged celebration fireworks from the Football team scoring a touchdown? I see none of them. Instead, I am gifted with a glimpse into a freshman’s room. Normally I’d expect to see tears from realizing that being the top of their class in high school does not translate to Vanderbilt or maybe two fellas throwing around a football that definitely won’t hit a sprinkler and cause hundreds of thousands of dollars in damages. But do you know what the Lord blessed me with that day? 

FUCKING. FULL FRONTAL FUCKING. I don’t know what I did to piss off Daddy Diermeier but clearly, he was making me pay. A quick look to my right and I see two pasty little freshmen getting nasty with the blinds up. No shame or guilt in their debauchery. Has COVID rotted their brains to the point where they think the entire upper quad wants to watch them screw around? You live in Murray! Your window faces the VandyVan stop! Do you want every lazy ass bitch who can’t walk from Commons to Rand to see you slapping balls to vulva? 

I’ve come to the conclusion that they do. These miscreants want to show the world their bleached assholes pressed against the window. They are purposefully exposing me to their exhibitionism kink and I want no part in it. I am a good God-fearing Christian woman. I zoom into church whenever I need an A on a test I haven’t studied for. I make sure to think about reading my Bible verses every night. I only have sex for procreation which is why my nickname is the Creampie Cutie! Quite honestly, being subjected to watching two barely eighteen-year-olds play Bang Bang Choo-Choo Train is violating my religious freedom. What if I die one day and when St. Peter greets me at the pearly gates he drop-kicks me down to Hell because I watched unprotected and premarital sex? Is Vandy going to pay damages for the pain and suffering of experiencing eternal damnation? 

I have suffered too long in silence about this vile epidemic. It ends here today. I am calling to action everyone on this campus to fight back against the injustice that is sex with the blinds open. It is the greatest violation of human rights we college students have ever experienced. I have had to attend weekly UCC visits just so I can stop having nightmares about the image of a man’s unshaven ballsack dangling in the moonlight. Vanderbilt community, I call on you to stop this madness of public sex. We must return to the days of modesty! If we can join together, comrades, then no one will ever have to gaze upon a freshman’s naked form again!

  • February 17, 2023