VUPD: Where they at?


While campus assaults are now as common as squirrels and bad grades, I’m starting to wonder if VUPD actually exists. VUPD is the second largest police force in Tennessee– there are probably more Vandy police officers than there are people passed out near Rahna’s on a Thursday night– but after all these incidents, I just wanna know: where they at??

So I took this matter into my own hands, and set out on an elaborate mission to figure out what the hell is going on with VUPD (mainly because I wanted to procrastinate my chem lab, but, like, also because I care about the well-being of Vanderbilt students). During my incognito mission, I talked to two students at Rand and both had experienced some form of assault and reported these occurrences to VUPD, but there weren’t any alerts/warning messages sent out to students and faculty about them. This may have two explanations: the first one is that VUPD is trying to cover up some of the very real campus dangers, and the second (and probably the more legitimate) reason could be that Zeppos has created an army of human-looking police robots who need to turn off every nine days to get their battery juice refilled. During those times, they cease to have any functionality because they’re too thirsty for the juice. So upon further analysis and thirteen straight hours of calculations regarding differential geometric analysis, I have deduced that it was the battery juice which caused the assaults to go completely unnoticed, not VUPD’s incompetence– thank God!

But in all seriousness, the robots kinda sucked at handling all those issues because they let their thirst get in the way, just like all 16-year-old boys do. Why is there an alert sent out for a Papa John’s robbery but when two students come into harm’s way and get assaulted to the point of injury on campus, no one cares? Also, what possible reason does anyone have for robbing a Papa John’s? Everyone would agree they’d rather go to Pizza Perfect. I just can’t think of any normal human who would rob Papa John’s over Pizza Perfect. Like honestly, who goes to Papa John’s? Unless… it was the robots?!?

  • December 5, 2018