Chancellor Diermeier Sends Peace Offering to Union Workers in Form of Giant Wooden Horse on Wheels

By Troy Janhores

February marked a big win for Vanderbilt’s graduate students, with Chancellor Daniel Diermeier finally congratulating them on the stipend increases they had been fighting for. As a sign of goodwill, the Chancellor has now offered them an “art project” which he had “been working on for some time”: a 25 feet tall, 10 feet wide wooden horse on wheels.

Always having a flair for the dramatic, Diermieier went all out for this one. He reportedly recruited dozens of members from several different fraternities to help him construct the horse. They seemed to have very strong feelings regarding this pro-union decision and were eager to contribute to this gift. Good to know how much of our student body supports the working class. Unfortunately, it seems many of these same brothers went missing shortly after they finished the construction. A memorial service will be hosted at the giant fucking castle by the bookstore, as it was “the best place to honor their sacrifice.” 

Diermeier went into an oddly specific amount of detail about the horse in comments to the Slant.

“It’s huge. I mean, much bigger than an actual horse,” he said.  “If they’d just asked for a real horse I’d have done it. Instead they’re taking 38,000 fucking dollars. EACH. It’s solid wood all the way through. The horse, I mean. Some real hard wood. A little bit of steel inside. For support, ya know? It would be crazy if I put someone in there. But nobody is in there. Nobody could possibly get in there. That’d be crazy.” 

The chancellor has been getting off topic like this quite often. Doesn’t he seem a bit tired to you? Regardless, all of this marks a sudden switch for Diermeier, who has been notoriously anti-union for his entire career. After years working against student unions during his time as Vanderbilt’s chancellor and the University of Chicago’s “provost” (whatever the hell that means), it seems his interactions with Greek life have reminded him of Vanderbilt’s dedication to the democratic ideals which began with renowned Greek philosopher “Democritus.” Diermeier also made it very clear that he would only give this gift, and therefore peace, if “something like, I don’t know, 70% of all union workers including the ring leaders attend the ceremony.” 

The unions also had something to say about this change of heart. 

“I’m not really sure I believe him,” one graduate student at Peabody, who wished to remain anonymous, said. “I mean, what if he puts a bunch of guys in the horse, and once we’re all there he opens it up, and they kill everyone there?” 

When we asked Diermeier about these concerns, he just kept muttering something about “countless ills upon the Achaeans” and telling us how “there can be no covenants between men and lions.” I’m sure he’ll address the concerns at the ceremony.

 Other students had more positive takes.

 “Hey, I’m choosing to be grateful!” one said. “I get a stipend and a wooden horse? Hell yeah!”

 This recent rapprochement is just another example of what makes Vanderbilt not only a renowned place of learning, but also a beacon for young people hoping to be heard.