Enough About Freud, Let’s Talk About My Mom
By ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ and ʕっ•ᴥ•ʔっ 🍯
We all know Sigmund Freud was a freak, but he did draw attention to one undeniable fact: how cool moms are. Anytime I want to hype up moms, whether it be my mom or someone else’s, I get accused of having mommy issues. Someone gets on my case, spewing some bullshit Freudian analysis, shouting at me that I can’t keep making jokes where the punchline is wanting to have sex with a curvy, 40+ year-old baddie. Or god forbid just saying that I can appreciate how hard it must be for my friend’s mother to have raised their annoying ass and still have kept her figure! I can go to admire a lovely Picasso and not have Cubism issues but appreciating the hardest job in the world makes me some kind of deviant? They nurture, love and breastfeed little babies and never get the respect they deserve in return. I, for one, think that needs to change.
I’m pretty sure that I DO NOT have mommy issues. Sure, I have an undying need to please people, particularly women in positions of authority over me, and can’t accept anything except perfection, but that’s not because of the unrealistically high expectations that have been crushing me psychologically for the entirety of my life, that’s just who I am. That’s perfectly natural.
And who cares if Mother’s Day is my favorite holiday? And so what if I spend that day watching my friends’ celebratory Instagram stories? So much for letting Americans be “free thinkers”… These liberals have no respect for the traditional mother figure anymore, but I do. I say bring back the nuclear family! Bring back oppressive gender roles! And most importantly, bring back spanking!
So what if I set my Hinge to 35+? Who doesn’t in 2022? These Gen Zers just don’t cut it anymore! Everyone MY age is too immature and focuses on all the wrong aspects of a relationship, like if their friends like me, or whether or not I slashed their tires when they were hanging out with their brother who really doesn’t look like a brother. They focus on arbitrary things that have been overhyped by Hollywood, like emotional connections and “proper” age gaps. Older women know what’s up. They know… me? They know what I want in ways that even I don’t, and more importantly, they know what I need. The kind of nurturing and support that I always thought would be nice growing up but never really got…
Recently, such a mindset has brought problems to my life. My friends and family now refer to me as a “momcel”—an individual voluntarily attracted to mothers, though undeniably and unwillingly still celibate. If being a “momcel” means I want a middle-aged woman to change my diaper, call me her “itty bitty little milk monster” and breastfeed me at the ripe old age of 20, then hell, I might just be a momcel! Momcel is my middle name! If that’s wrong, how in the world could anyone ever want to be right?