DO NOT CLICK – Extremely Confidential: The Heist to Top All Heists


By Calvin Fontaine

Have you ever wondered why they started the Ocean’s film trilogy with Ocean’s Eleven? It’s because the heist I’m about to describe to you is so goddamn good, so seemingly impossible, so daring and masterful that it is worthy of numbers one through 10. Or perhaps the director wanted to flex that he could count beyond his fingers … way to make some of us feel less than, buddy. Anyways, read carefully, because the following information could alter the course of your drifting, alcohol-filled, consulting-driven life.

I’ll walk through this one time and one time only. Every breath, step, blink and queef must be executed with utmost precision. One wrong move and we’re compromised. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to infiltrate the Rand Dining Center and retrieve its most valuable contents: the larger-than-life spoon on the column adjacent to the Randwich line.

This artifact, overlooked by those who frequent the Randwich line, holds a rich and tragic tapestry of history. If only those damn fools looked up from their phones, or heaven forbid they saw a spark of humanity in the tired, underpaid worker slapping salami on their pretzel bun! Little do they know, the spoon once belonged to King Bach of the early 21st century Vine dynasty. It was last spotted by researchers in June of 2013, when the king himself wielded the comically large spoon, demanding a major share of one loyalist’s crop. According to recorded accounts, the aristocrat countered saying the King could take “only a spoonful.” Shortly after, King Bach sported a sinister smirk, and historians believe the monarch was consumed by gluttonous desire.

Now you know this object brandishes a reputation parallel to that of the Holy Grail, and that it is up to you to retrieve it. The mission is not simple, but I have laid out the steps as follows: 

Step 1 – Enter the depths of Stevenson Complex and steal an access card to enter the chemistry laboratories. Try your best to make little noise, lest you turn to stone by the stares of the studying, sleep-deprived pre-med students.

Step 2 – Derive a solution containing sulfuric acid that has the power to dissolve concrete adhesive and store it in a pipette within your bag. While you may want your peers to notice your fashionable, indie tote bag, you must not let them see the chemical solution hidden within it.

Step 3 – For six consecutive days, join the Randwich line at peak lunch hours. You must blend into the crowd; a hat, headphones and staying glued to your phone is highly recommended. If you manage to make it to the front of the line before your next class, your chances of success increase exponentially. There, sneakily place three drops of your handcrafted solution where Bach’s spoon is bonded to the wall. Each day the joint will loosen.

Step 4 – While you meticulously complete Step 3, venture to Belmont’s campus and pose as a roaming TikTok influencer. A miniature microphone connected to your phone is recommended. Approach the nearest guitar player and ask them if they make music. It is important that you do not wait for the inevitable glow that blankets their face as they say “yes!”; they think this is their big viral breakthrough! Instead, incapacitate the starving artist and seize their guitar case. Escape the scene as quickly and discreetly as possible.

Step 5 – On the seventh consecutive day, return to the Randwich line with guitar case in hand. Every risk you have taken has led up to this moment. The end is in sight, and it is crucial that you do not slip and ruin your efforts thus far. Approaching the comically large spoon one final time, open your guitar case and apply the rest of your solution. As the precious heirloom falls through the air, drawing ever near to utter destruction, skillfully catch the spoon within the guitar case. Close the case as quickly as you can! You must not let anyone see that you have the artifact, for they will hunt you to the end of the earth. Retrieve your sandwich and be sure to express your thanks to the Rand workers for their valiant efforts in such an unrewarding food service job.

Step 6 – As you stroll out of the Rand Dining Center, watch your surroundings carefully. Consider any blue-blooded canine or golden-badged tour guide an immediate threat. Upon returning to your housing, take a deep breath and look around. You’ve done the impossible. The relic unnoticed for a decade has been retrieved to its rightful owner: the people. Find a place on the wall to display the prized spoon you worked hard to heist. But be wary, for the second you mount the treasure to the wall, OHARE will catch wind, and you will be fined an exuberant amount for damaging a quickly-fabricated, cheap, thin wall.

This article will self-destruct in five seconds. Good luck.

  • April 28, 2024