My Top Five Replacement Headliners for Lights on the Lawn


So, recently, if you accepted another desperate request from the @lotlvanderbilt Instagram account, you noticed that Loud Luxury will be making a virtual performance for Lights on the Lawn. For my fellow upperclassmen and 5th years, you might remember last year’s performer: Quinn XCII, the human embodiment of a Kia Soul. But with no 2020 Rites of Spring and Bobby Shmurda’s parole denial, I’m rather starved for some good music. And to be honest, a bargain brand Chainsmokers won’t satisfy my diminishing musical libido. This school needs a cream of the crop headliner to rouse the student body out of its existential angst. Here are five artists I propose to replace Loud Luxury:

  1. Billie Eilish

This is a personal thing. Billie, if you’re reading this, please answer my calls. A restraining order has no power in the mind of an anarcho-primitivist. I am begging Chancellor Diermeier and the Vanderbilt faculty to book Billie Eilish for Lights on the Lawn. Please. And don’t show this to my parole officer. Listen, before I go, when the party’s over, i love you, !!!!!!!.

  1. IceJJFish

Who doesn’t remember this deity? With a career arc similar to Russ or NAV, this musician flew too close to the sun after his IPO on Tosh.0. But perhaps his ever-shifting voice is precisely the bump we need. “On The Floor” has enough groove to pump life into the husks we call freshmen. Additionally, his concert prices are more in the range of Vandy’s budget. After dropping a couple million on enough squirrel posters to kill all the sea turtles in the Atlantic, a fiscally responsible price point is something this school needs. 

  1. Threk

The man, the myth, the legend. Although his performing days are likely a thing of the past, he still lives on in my heart. For only $15 at Piggly Wiggly, you can get a case of Natty Light and a riveting conversation about the hometown of your Fake I.D. If COVID has you feeling down, then his album “Lonely Always” can send you further into the abyss. Maybe not the vibe that Vandy needs, but the one it deserves. Besides, we can do more for our Nashville heroes than post photos of Dolly Parton’s giant head at White Limozeen. 

  1. James

I only included him because he venmoed me $5 the other day for letting him hit my JUUL. His SoundCloud is alright, I guess. He dropped out of college to make the next Big Bootie Mix; however, the end product was essentially a 2014 Skrillex playlist with a worse Spotify fade transition. Although, if Vandy’s budget cuts get too severe, all James needs is a flashlight, a Solo cup and a portable charger for his phone to perform an average-ish album listening experience for your annual acid trip. 

  1. That one guy at the gym

Yeah, I know who you are: your AirPods on max volume, sporting a Gymshark tank and apparent tone-deafness. Thanks to you, I know all the lyrics to Dixieland Delight and One Dance by heart. I will liquify all of my assets to get you to perform, purely for the thrill of throwing water bottles/Hydro Flasks at you on stage (courtesy of No More Plastic). Or, in this case, through pokimane emoji spams in Twitch chat.

  • February 10, 2021