First-Year Doesn’t Know Which Way to Anchor


First-year Franklin Buckley, not pictured, was reported on Saturday to have had no goddamn clue which way to anchor during the annual Anchor Dash event. As a result, the student was seen attempting to alternately anchor up, anchor south, and anchor in the general direction of Furman Hall.

Vandy spirit was on full display, as over 1,500 bright-eyed first-years swept the football field chanting the iconic Vanderbilt slogan “Anchor down! Anchor down!” Black and gold filled nearly every corner of the stadium. The Class of 2021 seemed almost to move, cheer, and think as one — that is, with the exception of Buckley.

It was more than evident that the bumbling Buckley was completely at a loss when it came to the Commodores’ most well-known chant. He is reported to have even shouted “Anchor left!” at one point, as well as, “Anchor diagonally!” and “Anchor forward!”

Witness accounts maintain that the sub-moronic freshman did attempt to participate in the festivities, running with a group of friends from his floor and occasionally mustering a hearty (but incomplete) chant of “Anchor! Anchor!”

But nothing could hide Buckley’s abject stupidity when he cried out, “Anchor two blocks down 21st Avenue and then take a left!”

Fortunately, the din drowned out the majority of Buckley’s miserable attempts at school spirit, and the Anchor Dash was able to carry on without him. The pathetic student was last seen anchoring frantically into the depths of his own soul.


Photo by Ziyi Liu

  • September 11, 2017