Vanderbilt Announces “Student Death Center”


In a daring twist that can only be described as morbidly inventive, Vanderbilt University has completed construction on its Student Life Center, revealing the highly anticipated counterpart, Student Death Center. The decision, overwhelmingly backed by the Dishonor Council, seeks to redefine the traditional student journey by asserting that college should be a slow and steady descent into death and/or the afterlife. Students on the council affirm that the remodeling work was absolutely necessary. 

“Campus culture was becoming too lively,” said council member Cam McCullough, present at the unveiling ceremony. “Because college should kill you, slowly.” 

The building is introducing new, death-themed classes, including courses such as PSCI 1013: Grave (International) Affairs, ENGL 1110: Decomposition, CLAS 2023: Classical Writers Who Totally Went To Hell, DIV 4664: Introduction to Necromancy, and CHEM 1601: General Chemistry.

To commemorate this bold step, the university is releasing limited edition t-shirts bearing slogans like “I Survived My First Semester (But Just Barely),” ensuring students can wear their academic near-death experiences with pride. For those who didn’t survive, families will receive tombstones engraved with “Guess I Wasn’t Vanderbuilt For This” above full academic transcripts in lieu of mundane details such as dates of birth and death. The university also adds that just because the student may have passed doesn’t mean their impending tuition payments will.

As a cherry on top of this academic adventure, local ECE student Magaly Stewarts collaborated with the SDC to install a system at the building’s entrance. It scans students who walk in and calculates their expected life span based on factors including their GPA, number of caffeine shots downed within the last two days and family history of alcoholism.

The Student Death Centre isn’t just about academics; it’s about emotional support too. Weekly support groups include “Grieving an A: Coping Strategies for Widows and Widowers of a 4.0,” recognizing the (purported but probably made up) emotional toll of striving for academic perfection, “You Belong Here: Don’t Shuffle Off This Fucking Mortal Coil,” for premedical students who got an A- in one fucking class, and “Don’t Die In Vandy Vain: You Won’t Get Financial Aid From Jumping In Front of Our Vans, Please Stop Already,” a support group for students “injured” in university vehicle hit and runs.

Vanderbilt’s Student Death Center is undeniably “to die for,” showcasing innovation and proving education isn’t just about preparing for the real world and adult life — it’s about preparing for the inevitable oblivion of death, too.

  • February 24, 2024