Neuralink’s First Human Subject Locked Out of Object Permanence After Card Declines on Monthly Subscription


By Sam Sliman

Peke Abu, recipient of the world’s first brain/computer interface, woke up this morning to find his entire body completely gone.

After a brief panic, Abu was able to recover his corporeal form by looking down and quickly observing it, but sadly, his wallet, car, and all other valuables had been silently stolen in the dead of night. But how did such a tragedy befall this adventurous soul braving the outskirts of modern technological capabilities?

It turns out, in a devastating blow to Elon Musk’s flagship neural chip company, Neuralink’s first human patient has found himself entirely locked out of object permanence. 

Due to a banking error that flagged the charge on his card as fraudulent, Abu’s payment for his monthly subscription of object permanence failed to process. The error resulted in access to core cognitive functions being disabled by Abu’s chip, leaving him completely unable to comprehend the existence of anything outside of his direct observation.

When approached for comment on these strange circumstances, Abu said “Who the hell are you?!? Where is my lawyer?!?! WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY LEGS?!?!?!”

After witnessing these episodes, many close to Abu have expressed concern about which of his other mental capabilities may be affected by the technical disruption, but reports have confirmed that the areas of his brain responsible for deductive reasoning, self-awareness, and alcoholism were all tied to a separate credit card and remained unaffected.

However, the question remains: how is Neuralink going to restore its public image after this fiasco? No one knows for sure, but sources close to the matter claim that suggestions have included offering Abu 3 months free (billed at $129.99 a year afterwards), implementing an ad-included tier to allow him to always be aware of the permanence of ads, or a 10% discount on a monthly subscription to integrate his brain with a Cybertruck. Despite all of these efforts, the damage may already be done, as people across the world are becoming more and more skeptical of the idea of purchasing a Neuralink implant. 

With the second human trial rapidly approaching, all eyes are on Neuralink to deliver, and everyone is just a little bit scared to look away.

  • February 28, 2024