What was supposed to be an exciting and successful year has become one of the ugliest displays of basketball in Vanderbilt history. 11 straight losses, 0-10 in conference play, just 9 wins on the season, one 5 star recruit lost to injury, a different underperforming 5 star recruit, and a partridge in a pear tree. It feels like rock bottom, but I’m here to tell you that there’s hope for the future.

Vandy is at the bottom of the SEC, but that might not be so bad. The College Basketball Draft is a yearly event where every college basketball team drafts players who are eligible to play for them next season. The worse a team is, the better their draft pick is. With Vanderbilt being so bad, there is a high chance we get the number one overall pick in the draft. That means we can pick the Duke freshman phenom, Zion Williamson. Zion is a total game changer and a freak of nature. He’s easily one of the best young basketball players in the country and he very likely can be a superstar one day. So the more we lose, the better chance we have of getting Zion. It turns out, Vandy losing 11 in a row is actually a good thi- Wait a second guys. I’m getting a phone call from my brother. I’ll be back in a second.

Hey Mike. What’s up?

That’s cool. I’m good too. I’m just writing an article for The Slant.

Well it’s about how Vanderbilt losing is actually not that bad because it means we can get Zion Williamson in the College Basketball Draft.

Are you sure? I thought it was a real thing. I think I read about it once.



Wait. Let me get this right. You’re saying it’s stupid and that nothing good comes out of losing in college basketball? And losing hurts the school’s reputation which makes it harder to recruit players in the future? Also there’s no such thing as moral victories if you don’t start winning after them? Ok. Well is there any reason to be optimistic?

Wow. No reason at all? I didn’t think Coach Drew really had a chance at getting fired at the end of this season but that makes sense too. And that was interesting what you said about Zeppos. I had no idea that he doesn’t care about the athletic program because Vanderbilt University is a money-making business and athletics only generate a small portion of our revenue. It is kinda weird that our chancellor is satisfied with mediocrity but I see what you’re saying. How about Scottie Pippen Jr.? Isn’t he supposed to be good?

Interesting. I also heard that his dad is really cheap. Didn’t they call him “No Tippin’” Pippen?

That’s crazy! Who knew that he tried to negotiate with a stripper back in 2005? That’s almost as interesting as when his wife left him for Future.

Hey. Do you think that this phone call bit in the middle of a Slant article is funny anymore?

Oh. It wasn’t funny to begin with? It was just a way of blatantly talking shit about Vandy basketball in a slightly different way? Well thanks for the advice, Mike. I’ll see ya over break.

Love you too. Bye.

Hey. Sorry about that, guys. I had to take that call. Anyway, about what I was saying earlier, you can just forget about that. There’s no such thing as the College Basketball Draft. Our basketball team is one of the worst in the country and there’s no light at the end of the tunnel. It’s just something we have in between losing bowl games and being forced to care about baseball. The only reason we’re in the SEC is to raise the average GPA. So much for my #Tank4Zion campaign.

  • February 13, 2019