‘Bout Balls – Transcript Released of Sideline Fight at Vandy Football Game

Late in the second quarter of the Vanderbilt-Florida game, a fight erupted after a questionable hit on a Vanderbilt punt return. When tending to the injured player, Vanderbilt head coach Derek Mason and Florida’s Dan Mullen got into a verbal spat that led to players holding them back to avoid escalation. The Slant has received a totally real transcript of the argument between Mason and Mullen. A quick warning: This transcript contains crude and graphic language that may not be suitable for children.

Mason: “What the fuck was that, Mullen! What the fuck was that? You’re not gonna pull that shit on my team. Get ahold of your fucking players. That’s the cheapest hit I’ve seen in my 20 years of coaching football!”

Mullen: “It’s called football, Derek. Ever heard of it? And real ironic for you to call something cheap.”

Mason: “What is that supposed to mean?”

Mullen: “Nothing. Forget it.”

Mason: “No. What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

Mullen: “It means you’re cheap. Alright?!? Every time we go out to dinner, I’m always the one paying for everything. Every single time!”

Mason: “That’s not true. Remember that one time with the, uhh, at the steak place. I totally picked up the check then.”

Mullen: “That’s different. I forgot my wallet that night. It doesn’t matter. One time you paid. Once. But the point still stands.”

Mason: “Well what do you want me to do? You clearly are making more money than me. It’s not my fault that you cash checks from an actual football school and I only coach at a bad football school whose only purpose is to raise the average GPA of the SEC.”

Mullen: “No. I know. It would just be nice if you offered, you know. I’m honestly happy to pay for us. I would just like it if you pretended to care.”

Mason: “Aww. Babe. I do care about you. I care about us. And our future together. We love each other too much to let money come between us.”

Mullen: “Look. I’m sorry I lashed out at you like that. That was my father talking. Not me. I really am sorry and I feel terrible. But we’re not like other couples. What we have is real. People always say that love is just some chemical in your brain. They say you could make it in a lab and test it on rats. They say that love is fake. But they don’t know us. We love each other and we were meant for each other. I know that for a fact. I see it every day when I wake up next to you. I see the little smile on your face and the way the sun shines on you in the early morning. And every morning, I kiss your forehead before I leave because it is the only thing that gets me through the day. That’s not chemicals in our brain. That’s real. I love you babe.”

Mason (through tears): “I love you so much, Dan.”

Mullen: “I love you too, Derek. Now come on. Let’s get out of here.”

They exit the stadium. The crowd is in shock. People are cheering and crying. Nobody has ever seen anything like that. The injured Commodore player is rushed to the hospital where he gets his leg x-rayed. He’ll never play another snap of football again. Dan Mullen and Derek Mason ride off into the Tennessee sunset in Mullen’s red convertible.

Fade to Black

The End

Wow. A real tough scene. Vulgar stuff was said by both sides. The NCAA has yet to punish either side, but insiders suggest a significant fine, if not a suspension, could be coming to both programs. Whatever the case may be, it is undoubtedly a black stain on college football as a whole.