Out of Ozempic? Try Converting to Islam!


By Hamdi Caseer

It’s time for puffer jackets and sweaters to be shoved in the back of your closet. The need for layers of cotton, wool and fat to protect our bodies from the cold is gone. Spring is in the air, and with it, is the need to get skinny as fast as possible (at least, that’s what all the gym influencers say <3)!  Nowadays, some losers insist that a healthy diet and moderate exercise is all it takes to lose a few pounds. “Consistency is key, and results take time.” Psh, as if! 

Science and technology have given humanity so many blessings, specifically ultra cool weight loss technology that celebrities and nobodies alike loveeeee. From Weight Watchers to Gwyneth Paltrow’s bone broth diet, the average American has tons of ways to lose a pound through spending a buck. There’s still a huge problem with these diets. They’re too slow and require way too much effort. That’s why a new contender has been recently dominating the market and pharmacy: Ozempic, blessed be its name.

The wonderful and fast-working Ozempic will suppress your hunger cues and leave you constipated for days. If you’re lucky, you might even get stomach paralysis and have some super chic obstructions in your intestines. It’s quick and easy weight loss, totally non-disordered and cute! Plus, unlike its predecessors fen-phen and good old fashioned cocaina, Ozempic won’t give you heart disease or septum degradation. Well, maybe it will. We’ll find out in a couple of years, I guess.

However, pesky diabetics have exhausted the supplies of this miracle drug. It is so rude of them to hoard it and cause a shortage, when they don’t even need it as much as us normal people! Everyone knows your God-given right to a thigh gap is more important than someone needing to regulate their blood sugar. (Weren’t you on Tumblr eight years ago?) So, what are we expected to do now, eat healthy? Exercise? Develop healthy relationships with our bodies? Hell no!

 In the face of this tragedy, a new solution is here — a spiritual answer, the boundless light of Islam!

That’s right, by converting, you gain access to the secrets of the Muslim Diet, AKA Ramadan Fasting. This month-long diet will help you shed weight, as long as you say the shahada! Just follow these three simple steps:

  1. From sunrise to sunset, do not eat any food!
  2. No liquids! No water, no coffee, and definitely no alcohol!
  3. Complain about it all day!

As a Muslim with 20 years of experience, I can assure you that this works. Sure, maybe having an almond mom who constantly reminded me of how thin she was at my age helped, but nothing can compare to the power of fasting for a month. Other parts of Islam are there to help you lose weight, too. Instead of spending money on unneeded food or on a therapist for your body issues, you can donate it to charity to honor the Islamic pillar of zakat. Or, you can spend it on haute-couture hijabs and trendy turbans!

We have some testimonies from people who have tried it, and boy do they love it!

Eden Othen: “I’ve been Mormon my entire life, but Joseph Smith can’t help me go down a size. Thanks to the conversion, my body is feeling hot and halal!”

Anna Riksik: “Religion wasn’t really my thing, but after watching Dune and learning about this diet, I’m definitely a big Islam fan!”

So hey, if you can’t bum an Ozempic injection from your type 2 friend, or if you need a new way to brag about how you haven’t eaten all day, give Islam a try! I guarantee you’ll fall hijab over heels for this diet!

  • April 6, 2024