College Buddhist Rids Self of Desire Using Only SSRIs


By Nick Gebo

NASHVILLE, TN – A crowd of stunned monks gathered around Alumni Lawn late Thursday evening as Zach Pro, a Vanderbilt junior who reportedly started practicing Buddhism just two weeks ago, appeared to reach a state of enlightenment in record time.

“I have never seen anything remotely comparable. He has an extraordinary gift,” said an awestruck local monk.

“We are all so lucky to be in Zach’s presence. I hope to one day learn from him,” added another, who despite practicing the religion for years, still occasionally seems to give a fuck. 

It’s been quite an interesting path here for Zach, who entered Vanderbilt with a strong passion for painting and math. Upon arriving, however, he realized that using the resources of a Top 20 institution to immediately pursue these passions would be impossible and really stupid and that he should instead focus first on establishing himself.

Pro definitely did not spend the majority of his waking hours trying to present an image of himself to the world that was acceptable given the very reasonable and logical expectations placed on him. The accolades and positions he strived for were out of a fiery passion for making powerpoints and writing code for Fortune 500 companies, not an irrational need to have his intelligence and existence externally validated by some soulless entities.

Despite this, the once neurotic perfectionist shockingly fell into a deep depression. 

This, according to Pro, is when he became interested in Buddhism.

“I started seeing all these lessons while scrolling TikTok, and they were just super easy to follow. There would be tons of strange tips for taking on the supposedly massive challenge of ridding myself of desire, but after six months of taking SSRIs, any and all desire had been beaten out of me already. Not sexually of course. That obviously wouldn’t have been possible. Because of the SSRIs”. 

Pro said that within eight days of practicing, he achieved complete mastery of the religion. He once again cited his medically induced non-existent libido and complete inability to perform sexually as key factors that allowed him to go the extra mile in dedicating time to his newfound interest. 

Since becoming the youngest-ever Buddhist to reach nirvana, Pro’s inbox has absolutely exploded. Invitations to speak at national conferences and requests to be on talk shows have poured in, as well as praise from others who have followed his lead and seen immense success in achieving enlightenment.

While Pro’s rapid ascension to greatness shocked many, when we caught up with some of his past acquaintances and family members, none of them seemed the slightest bit surprised. 

“I just knew Zach would do special things one day. He was the smartest, most hardworking and just the best kid I ever knew. I would always make sure to tell him this,” said a former classmate.

“Raising Zach, I just knew he was special. There was no question in my mind he would make a fantastic lawyer or doctor, or just do something great to make the family really proud,” his mother added. 

Talks of statues and monuments, and discussions of how many national holidays needed to be created for him continued across the country Saturday morning. In all the fanfare, many have looked to Pro, the now undisputed best Buddhist to ever exist, to become the next Dalai Lama replacing the current one, who is still facing criticism for asking a little boy to lick his tongue

When pressed, Zach said that the widespread support and adulation was “cool, I guess”. He eventually responded to calls to become the next Dalai Lama by saying “maybe”, but that he “first wanted to take a nap or check TikTok or something”.

  • December 6, 2023