NASHVILLE, TN—In 2024, the Vanderbilt Commodores went nuts. The football team had their ups, their downs and one game in particular that was nothing short of legendary. Vanderbilt’s new quarterback rose to fame by sealing the Commodores’ first victory over Alabama since…well, anyone can remember. Fans stormed the field. Analysts lost their minds. Alabama’s new coach, Kalen DeBoer, reportedly aged another 15 years during the fourth quarter alone.
While the nation celebrated the team’s success, Commodores’ waterboy, Thur Steabich, stepped forward to take full responsibility.
“They’re calling it the biggest upset in college football history, but I just call it another day.” Steabich said, during his impromptu press conference held outside the janitor’s closet of FirstBank Stadium. “You saw those throws? Yeah, that doesn’t happen without my electrolytes.”
When asked about these remarks, players appeared visibly confused.
Linebacker Dasani Bodul admitted Steabich did hand him water, but his enthusiasm went a bit too far. “Thur looked me dead in the eye and said, ‘Suck it like it owes you money.’ I mean, I’m just trying to rehydrate, man.”
Running back Drye Mouf had a similar experience.
“I was just trying to grab a water, and Steabich goes, ‘Take this, big boy. It’ll keep you slick for all four quarters,’” Mouf recalled. “I honestly don’t know if he means well or if he’s messing with us at this point.”
Wide receiver Balle Handler also shared, “At one point he screamed, ‘Chug this if you want to go deeper than Bama can handle!’ I appreciated the sentiment, but it got … weird.”
When asked about Thur Steabich’s claim about carrying the team, another player replied, “The guy thinks he’s hot shit. Unfortunately, the only hot thing is the plastic-flavored water he hands out.”
Undeterred by the players’ lukewarm feedback, Steabich still believes himself to be a star.
“I knew I had it in me,” he proclaimed at a postgame press conference he wasn’t invited to. The man (or boy, I guess) continued, “Without me, the lads would’ve been nothing but dry throats and leg cramps out there. I kept them wet, loose and ready to explode all over Alabama’s defense.”
In a tragic twist of fate, he found himself locked out of FirstBank Stadium in later games — not by defensive linemen but by the university’s new student ticket claim system. Beginning with the Texas game, he was unable to attend for the rest of the season. Oddly enough, the Commodores lost every home game past that point. However, the team remains adamant that they prefered his absence.
As the players continue the 2025 season, one thing is clear: the Commodores might have made big waves, but nobody will be thirstier for recognition than their waterboy.
