Giving a Rat’s Ass: Bringing Humane Practices to Laboratory Rodent Executions

For centuries, human society has refined the concept of dignity in death. We have debated which execution methods are too cruel, too inhumane, or too barbaric to be deemed acceptable. Nations have outlawed gruesome practices, citing ethics, morality, and the fundamental belief that even the most condemned deserve some respect.

And yet, in the sterile glow of laboratory lights, a different standard prevails. While society debates over the ethics of capital punishment, rats are dispatched in ways that would send any human rights group into an outraged frenzy. A standard chemical method is the use of carbon dioxide gas. Common physical methods include cervical dislocation (manually dislocating the spine from the skull) and cardiac puncture (piercing the heart and removing the blood).

Why is this acceptable? 

If society refuses to hang, electrocute, or gas human prisoners in the name of ethics, why do these methods remain the standard for lab rats?

It’s time for a radical rethinking of how we approach the scientific sacrifice of our tiny, whiskered test subjects. Rats are the unwitting martyrs of scientific progress. If science insists on their sacrifice, then let it be done with dignity. Why kill rodents in methods so terrible they would not be performed on humans? If you would not do it to a human, you should not do it to any other animal.

I propose several humane alternative methods for executing rats based on methods that have been used on people. In the spirit of ethics, these should apply to rats just as much as humans.

1. Death by Firing Squad

Dignity, fairness, and a rat’s right to a last cigarette. The chosen rat is positioned before a row of lab technicians, each armed with high-power rifles calibrated for maximum effectiveness. To ensure ethical treatment, the rat is also blindfolded. A moment of silence is observed. The signal is given, bullets fly, and justice is delivered.

2. The Guillotine

A classic symbol of swift justice and now a marvel of engineering at a miniature scale. The lab’s execution chamber features a fully operational, rodent-sized guillotine constructed with fine craftsmanship and a dedication to historical accuracy greater than Netlflix. The polished blade gleams under the lab lights, ready to perform its only purpose. The rat is placed into position, given a moment to process its impending fate while the crowd cheers on and rotten tomatoes are thrown. Finally, with the pull of a lever, the blade drops, and it is over. This method is clean, precise, and immediate.

3. Hanging

Traditional justice meets careful engineering. A sturdy, rat-scale gallows is constructed from popsicle sticks and twine. The rat is escorted to the trapdoor, its tiny paws bound in accordance with the procedure. The noose is then placed around the ratling’s neck. Lab assistants dressed in executioner robes ensure proper protocol is followed. The lever is pulled, the trapdoor swings open, and gravity completes the task with cold efficiency. The deed is done.

4. The Electric Chair

A commitment to modern, humane execution methods demands electricity. A custom-built, rat-sized chair awaits the subject. The rat is harshly restrained to the chair. A tiny sponge is carefully placed under the helmet to ensure maximum conductivity. As the switch is flipped, the rat’s last thoughts might be of the great injustices it has endured: the endless conditioning tests, the cruelty of being denied its favorite cheese, and the Lupton room with only a twin XL it was forced to call home. When the switch is flipped, the current surges through, offering a swift resolution while leaving behind a charred silhouette of its former self.

5. Stoning

An ancient, community-driven approach to justice. The rat is placed in a carefully prepared enclosure while lab assistants take up their positions. They have been supplied with carefully selected pebbles, each chosen for optimal weight and aerodynamics. The first stone is thrown, and then the mob joins in, yelling “sinner!” with enthusiasm. The process continues until judgment is fulfilled, all in the name of compassionate science.

6. Marriage to King Henry VIII

The rat is carefully prepared for its wedding to the notorious Tudor king. First, it is dressed in a regal white paper napkin gown. Then the rat is given a moment to bask in its newfound nobility before reality sets in. Initially welcomed into the royal court, the rat enjoys a brief period of admiration before Henry VIII inevitably grows dissatisfied with his rodent bride, accusing it of treasonous behavior, excessive cheese consumption, and failing to produce a male heir. Naturally, the inevitable conclusion arrives, and the rat faces the standard fate of Henry’s ill-fated spouses: it is sentenced to an official execution, likely by beheading. Historians document its short-lived reign with great sorrow. While slower than other methods, it remains one of the most consistently successful options.

7. Schrödinger’s Rat

A method that defies logic, physics, and basic certainty. The rat is placed inside a specially constructed box, its contents unknown to all but the lab technician who prepares the experiment. Within the box, a mechanism is rigged to release either a lethal substance or nothing at all. Until the box is opened, the rat exists in a state of quantum uncertainty, being simultaneously alive and dead. Eventually, the box is opened, revealing the final verdict. Regardless of whether the rat has perished or survived, one thing remains certain: it was both dead and alive until the moment of observation.

If the execution of lab rats is unavoidable, then let it be done with ethics and respect. Let the tiny guillotines drop with precision, let the firing squads light up the room, and let King Henry keep executing his spouses. Let the rats face their fate not as disposable subjects but as noble participants in the tradition of humane execution. If science truly wants to honor its test subjects, perhaps it’s time to take a second look at Schrödinger’s Box because until the lid is opened, we can choose to believe that somewhere, in some reality, the rat survives.

A future of ethical and dignified rat executions is possible. The only question that remains is: Do we give a rat’s ass?