ISO: A Man to Help Me Get Over the Man I Used to Get Over My Ex
By Paige Harris
Now I want to be clear, this isn’t your ordinary rebound I’m looking for. Believe me, I tried that once and it did NOT go to plan. In fact, what I am searching for is someone to help me get over said rebound.
So now here I am, conducting what can only be described as a multi-year psychological experiment. The hypothesis? “Maybe the next guy won’t make things worse.” The results so far? Inconclusive, trending toward catastrophic. I just need one more test subject before I publish.
Ideal qualities include:
- Bland personality
- Can be described by his friends as “nice” and nothing else
- No strong opinions
- Has a job but won’t talk about it
- Laughs at my jokes but not hard enough to imply emotional attachment
- Knows when to leave
- Generally mediocre in all regards
Basically, imagine a sentient oatmeal packet with a pulse. If you’re thinking, “Hey, that kind of sounds like me,” congratulations—you’re exactly who I’m looking for! If you’re thinking, “Wow, that’s harsh,” you already care too much and are therefore overqualified.
Candidates should be prepared to:
- Nod sympathetically while I explain the convoluted emotional journey that got me here
- Not ask follow-up questions
- Validate my delusion with short, supportive phrases like “totally” and “that tracks”
- Offer snacks during emotional downturns
- Promise not to fall in love with me, even accidentally
If interested, please hit my line ASAP! I am currently listening to “Pushing it Down and Praying” by Lizzie McAlpine and it is looking bleak. Like, “went for a drive just to stare at a tree that reminded me of him” bleak.
Act fast—this position closes as soon as I accidentally fall in love with you or circle back to my rebound for the fifth time. Whichever comes first.
PLEASEEEEE reach out to me at (502) 408-1606
