Guy at Rec on Most Popular Machine Starts 4th Clash Royale Game.   

By: Henry Lynch  

David Williams II Recreation and Wellness Center — Failing to notice the angry mob of fellow students forming around him, rising senior Derek Pemberington has reportedly begun his fourth consecutive match of Clash Royale while seated at the facility’s only leg extension machine, sources who have been clutching their water bottles in silent rage for 38 minutes confirmed Thursday.   

Pemberington, who witnesses say completed approximately two-and-a-half questionable reps sometime during the first Obama administration, has remained firmly planted on the equipment’s seat while defending his towers with the unwavering focus of a neurosurgeon.  

“I watched him finish what I guess technically counts as a set,” said sophomore Marcus Chen, now on his ninth lap around the free weight section. “He looked up, saw me waiting, did this little acknowledging nod thing, and I swear to God I thought he was getting up. Then I heard the fucking battle music. That was 35 minutes ago. I’ve lived an entire lifetime since then.”   

Eyewitnesses report that a crowd of approximately 23 students has now gathered in the cardio section, abandoning their treadmills to form what sophomore Sarah Martinez described as “basically a protest, or maybe a prayer circle for his death.”   

“There are legitimately a dozen people clearly waiting for that machine,” Martinez said, her voice reaching a pitch typically reserved for hostage negotiation. “And this dude is just sitting there, cycling through his deck, occasionally doing that thing where you tap the screen really fast and yell ‘No! NO!’”   

Rec center staff confirmed that Pemberington has yet to be observed completing a full range of motion on any exercise, though he did once carry his phone from the locker room to a bench, an impressive distance of nearly 40 feet.    

When reached for comment between matches, Pemberington said, “Yeah, man, just one more set” before the pressing need for reinforcements drew his attention back to his phone. He then added, unprompted, that he was “really focusing on time under tension today” and that “active recovery between sets is actually really important for hypertrophy.”   

At press time, Pemberington transitioned to watching a YouTube video titled “INSANE NEW META DECK (BROKEN?!?!)” at medium volume through his phone speaker, while Chen had progressed through the five stages of grief, written a detailed manifesto, and contemplated pivoting to either push day or murder.