In Attempts to Reduce Number of COVID Cases, Vanderbilt Eliminates Students


BREAKING: Vanderbilt officials have just reported their administration’s bold new step in reducing the reported number of COVID cases. In what many would call a drastic change, Vanderbilt is planning to eliminate the student body.

“98% of the rise in COVID cases in recent months has been attributed to the undergraduate students. The logical next step in lessening the reported numbers is to eliminate the subjects altogether,” said Vanderbilt Health Coordinator Joaquin Phoenix, adding this was the perfect chance for students to Anchor Down and Step Up. 

Vanderbilt has dubbed the brave new protocols being implemented “Anchor Down, Elimination Round”. They are getting ready to post their Instagram infographic and raffle announcement. If the students tag three friends they’d like to see eliminated, they get the chance to win a Yeti cooler, a piece of Towers rubble, or a Vandyboy. 

Vanderbilt has already launched its beta test of this policy. Gillette House was flooded earlier this month, but unfortunately this event was unsuccessful in its complete elimination of any students. Although students emerged from the building damp and unhappy, none perished. “We’ll learn from our mistakes, and try again,” Phoenix assured confidently. 

Regarding concerns about Vanderbilt’s economic health, administration assures Board of Trust members that students will continue to pay tuition throughout the elimination period. Although unclear about how the student body will be eliminated, our sources say that administration is considering setting Stevenson on fire so the freshman lost inside don’t have to see their first Gen Chem grade, directing VUPD to act more like actual police officers by adopting a shoot on sight policy for POC students, and an exclusive Homecoming Fundraiser where alumni cheer on Daddy Diermeier as he wraps his clammy, union-busting hands around a Dores Divest student leader’s throat.

  • October 5, 2021