Report: Efforts at Vividly Imagining Cunt Punching Slow Walkers No Closer to Making Them Actually Speed Up


COMMONS BRIDGE — Manifesting, a tried and tested science, once again has failed the speedier students of Vanderbilt University. Hot off the success of the Gillette students imagining better water pressure in their showers moments before disaster and getting more than they asked for, other Vandy students have come face to face with the failures that come from mentally targeting the most elusive and vulnerable populace of Vanderbilt: the George R. R. Martins of walking speed.

Since the beginning of the semester, reports have been coming in that imagining every slow walker receiving a tender wallop to the groin area is ineffective, in fact, at getting them to speed up. These brave students continue to move akin to snails through molasses and maintain their admirable dedication to walking three in a row across the Commons Bridge. Attempts at sprinkling salt onto these plodders have been noted as “ineffective” and “tasteless.” While many Vandy “hustlers” incomprehensibly like to rush from Hank to Wilson to be “on time” to their classes because “that’s really far apart” and “I forgot my umbrella and I really need to get to Rand,” the mindful meanderers of Vanderbilt remind us all to stop and smell the roses (or their juuls) even in the midst of a Nashville torrential downpour.

According to a student who frequently encounters these individuals, “It just scares me that one of them could be sitting right next to me in class and I’d never know.” However, despite universal disdain for “slow walkers” and extreme psychic efforts to get them to speed up, the steadfast strollers have courageously slowed down this fall semester. Perhaps with enough mental screaming of the words “Walk faster dickface!” these students will miraculously gain self-awareness in a feat that’s just as likely as the Pub coming back. Or as yelling “Pickle Rick!” being actually funny.

  • October 6, 2021