Vanderbilt to Turn Football Field into Communal Bathroom so Shit Will Finally Get Done There


In a shocking announcement, Vanderbilt Athletics Director (AD) Buck S. Beatus authorized the transformation of Vanderbilt’s beloved “We’re-so-bad-sponsors-won’t-buy-naming-rights” Stadium into a mass toilet after Saturday night’s debacle. The news was met by a resounding “Vander-who?” from the larger college football-watching world, but sent reverberations through the Vanderbilt athletics community and Clark Lea’s sense of job security.

When asked to comment, AD Beatus had this to say:

“The university has made a decision that if we’re going to put shit on the field, we want it to be in a sanitary manner. The new infrastructure we’ve greenlit will allow us to control our shit, as well as to cease maintenance of all existing campus bathrooms. And, as an added benefit, we’ll still close down a major walkway on Commons just for the hell of it.”

Student activist groups were quick in their condemnation. People for the Ethical Treatment of Dores Fans spokesperson Sheela Acking said the following:

“We’re concerned about the humanitarian implications of this new bathroom plan. Forcing innocent undergraduates to go back to the scene of the crime and relive the harrowing experience of seeing the Vanderbilt football team expose themselves as a Div. III team is cruel and unusual. As such we believe a more compassionate plan is necessary, like clubbing all first-years and making them sit in the Stevenson Tunnels until the memory is repressed.”

Other students across campus were also concerned about the plan. Sophomore Katya Trophic worried about her own health.

“I’m okay being surrounded by other people’s shit—I’m already around their shitty personalities all day long—but I’m concerned about the residual effects lingering in the stadium. I really don’t see how this university could ever clean the stench of losing off of the football field, and I don’t want to smell like that. I already smell like Branscomb as is.”

AD Beatus was quick to quell any fears about public health or reputation:

“Look folks, this isn’t what we all wanted. We didn’t want to lose to an FCS team that’s only won a single other game against an FBS program in its football history. We didn’t want to lay the mother of all eggs on opening night and extend our losing streak to another season of bowl-less football. We didn’t want any of this.

But now that it’s here, we might as well embrace it… And by ‘it,’ I mean the new Mr. C bathroom-buddy animatronics that will watch over every student as they drop their Dores drawers.

Beatus out, deuces!”

  • September 30, 2021