Sweet Treats and Even Sweeter Times: The Best Things You Can ONLY Do on Halloween!


By Nathaniel S. Pumpkins

Halloween is one of the best times of the year because it has a little something for everyone. This year, I’ll be talking about some of the best, most fun activities you can only do on Halloween! If hearing about these doesn’t get you in the Halloween spirit, then I don’t know what will! 

  1. Eat all the candy you want! 

On Halloween, there are no rules. Literally no one can stop you from filling yourself with some of the holiday’s staple candies. Fuck it, you can even eat a Heath bar. If there ever was a candy bar equivalent of a cuck that would be it. But go for it! No one will be judging you tonight.

  1. Dress up and attend costume parties!

There are so many good costumes to choose from! Like slutty nurse or slutty pirate or my personal favorite: Abraham Lincoln. Hear me out — I love Halloween but I also love having a career in the future. As a white man in the age of social media, I’m constantly worried about having a Justin Trudeau moment. What if I accidentally dress up as something insanely and obviously racist?! For us white guys, you really can’t find a more future-proof costume than Honest Abe.

  1. Get candy for absolutely FREE!

Halloween is like taking candy from a baby. All it takes is a disguise and a little smooth-talking and sure enough, those fools from the neighborhood give me candy every year. I call it Trick-AND-Treating because I trick them and they give me the treats. Think about that the next time you go out to buy your candy.

  1. Be somebody other than your wretched self.

We all love this part! No doubt about it! This is really what the holiday is all about! Therapy could help but that’s expensive and boy does this cheap costume from Amazon get my spirits up! Sure, I’m a bad person and sure, hellfire is hot but so am I in this costume!

  1. Go to a haunted house!

There aren’t many things that scare me in this world but I’ll admit there are a couple: giraffes (scary animal that has a weird neck) and my ex-girlfriend (scary person that gives bad neck). Then again, I think it’s pretty safe to say you won’t find either of those things in a haunted house.

Now here’s your homework for this Halloween — go out and make the best of this very special day! Have fun, get in a little trouble with your friends and don’t forget to make memories along the way!

  • October 28, 2023