I Missed Every Slant Meeting Last Semester: Here are My Excuses

What they don’t tell you about satirical publications is that the writers are actually not funny whatsoever. They are the most painfully awkward and insufferable people you will ever meet. Trust me, I know; I am one. I did not attend a single Slant meeting last semester. Here is what I texted the editor. I’m pretty sure he believed me. 

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Hey Alex, I’m sorry but I won’t be at tonight’s meeting. I watched this video about a man who has no arms and no legs. He’s just a torso and he can only move by pushing himself forward with his chin. It was just so upsetting I haven’t left my room in two days. Sorry, I’m an empath. I hope you understand.

Hey Alex, I’m sorry but I won’t be at tonight’s meeting. I was told by this talking fish in the Centennial Park pond that I hold the key to solving world peace. I don’t want world peace though, so I’ve decided to lock myself in the top floor of Zeppos Tower until the end times. This unfortunately conflicts with tonight’s meeting. I hope you understand.

Hey Alex, I’m sorry but I won’t be at tonight’s meeting. I’ll try and save you all the grueling details but did you ever hear the fun fact that we can technically bite off our fingers like carrots but our brains don’t allow us to? Well, anyway, my friend and I went to this hypnotist who basically eliminated the brain barrier, allowing my friend to prove, once and for all, that we humans can bite our fingers off. But now the issue is my friend has no fingers. So I have to do everything for them, and when I say everything, I mean EVERYTHING. I can’t leave their side, and, consequently, cannot come to the meeting. I hope you understand.

Hey Alex, I’m sorry but I won’t be at tonight’s meeting. I’m currently taking a vow of silence. I’ve just said so many things I’ve regretted that I decided not to talk for the next month. However, and this is kinda crazy, not talking has given me a much more acute sense of smell. You know when you stop using one sense how the others can be heightened? That’s basically what happened. Now, this is the awkward part. Madison smells really bad. Like, really bad. So stinky. The smell is usually bearable, but I know for a fact that with the super-smelling powers I’ve recently acquired, I would projectile vomit everywhere if I were to come within 30 feet of Madison. Maybe drop a hint to her to start showering? I don’t know man. I hope you understand.

Hey Alex, I’m sorry but I won’t be at tonight’s meeting. My friend had the brilliant idea to do an escape room tonight, and when someone invites you to an escape room, you have to accept. Anyway, we’re going on two hours and we still haven’t escaped. Oh, I forgot to mention that this is the type of escape room where they literally do not let you out until you figure out how to escape. We have not figured it out yet. Frankly, I don’t think we will. Alex, I am so, so hungry. And it’s so cold. At this rate, I do not think I will be able to come to the meeting. I hope you understand.

Hey Alex, I’m sorry but I won’t be at tonight’s meeting. This Instagram account that swears it’s Bill Gates DMed me on Instagram. Obviously, if it swears it’s Bill, it definitely is; the stock photo of Bill Gates and the 189 followers definitely is not an indicator of anything. Anyway, Bill has offered to fly me out to Madagascar to meet with him and his good friend Steve — maybe Steve Jobs didn’t actually die and he’s just living in Madagascar waiting for lil old me! Obviously, this is an offer I cannot refuse. The flight leaves tonight and Bill told me to be scantily clad and bring all of my belongings in a plastic grocery bag. I’m sure he’ll buy me some clothes and a toothbrush once we land in Madagascar. Ugh, Alex, I am so excited to meet my Prince Charming! Obviously, as the meeting occurs after I jet off with Bill, I will not be able to come. I hope you understand.