Top Five Changes Coming to Dining this Year


Vanderbilt dining has been described as bad, horrible, dogshit, made me cry, dryer than a chem lecture and twice as long, feels like someone took my stomach outside and beat it with a shovel, more tasteless than truck nuts on a hearse, blood curdling, just regular curdling, seafood in a landlocked state, and so chewy that it saved Han Solo, but with the start of the 2022 fall semester, significant changes are finally on their way to revolutionize the Vanderbilt dining experience. Here are some of our favorites:

  1. The “Truly Unlimited” food program will allow you to steal food from other students

Not only will you be able to use as many meal swipes as you want in the dining halls, you’ll also be able to just pick up food off other peoples’ plates. No waiting, no asking. Just walk right up and snatch that hard earned rush hour Randwich from some poor soul. Even better, it will only cost double the normal meal plan!

  1. There will NOT be breast milk in the soda fountains anymore

You heard that right, breast milk will NOT be returning to all of your favorite soda fountains. As much as it pains us to say it, you’ll have to start getting it straight from the boob, as nature intended.

  1. When checking out at Rand, you will now be required to answer my riddles three

Due to inflation, a meal swipe is no longer enough to pay for a meal. You’ll now be required to prove your intelligence in the checkout line by answering a series of riddles. In classic bridge troll fashion, I will present you with three questions, and failure to answer correctly will result in you getting tossed off The Pub balcony to your untimely demise.

  1. The Pub is open again!

That’s right, anyone who can successfully sneak past security and pick the door lock can now go to The Pub! We know how long everyone has been waiting to break into this iconic Vanderbilt destination, and the time is finally here!

  1. New facial recognition technology will definitely not sell your data to corporations

Simply add your face into the system at Commons, and you’ll be able to enter dining halls just by standing in front of the facial scanner. And, as an added bonus, the school will even pretend that the data they collect isn’t being sold to the highest bidder! You heard that right, you too can live in blissful ignorance of the fact that you are being constantly tracked by hundreds of cameras across campus that have complete and total knowledge of your face.

  • August 29, 2022