10 Facts About Vanderbilt that the Tour Guides Don’t Want You to Know

 (Photo by Claire Barnett)

1. There’s a guy inside of Mr. C.

It’s true! Inside our beloved mascot is just a dude who controls the body.  Presumably he’s a student or someone else affiliated with Vandy. Maybe he’s just some random guy. Who knows? 

2. We don’t actually have that many squirrels; it’s just three or four of them that are really fast.

I thought we had hundreds, but it’s all a facade.  We only have a handful of the critters running around, but because of their remarkable speed, no one notices.  Godspeed you little fucks.

3. Anchor Dash became a tradition after Vandy couldn’t get anyone to go to the football games

After no one showed up to any of the games in 1980, the school told freshmen to choose between going to the first game or doing Visions.  The turnout was overwhelming and it’s been a tradition ever since.

4. Carmichael Towers had their own 9/11 which Zeppos covered up

Most people don’t know this, but Bush also ordered an attack on Carmichael Towers on 9/11.  Apparently explosive lime scooters can melt steel beams.

5. Blakemore doesn’t exist

Turns out Blakemore isn’t actually a real place.  If you try to find the building’s address, it’s just a parking lot with a bunch of washed up students wandering around aimlessly with their bags.  There’s still an Alliedbarton officer waiting to check your commodore card though.

6. According to my calculations, we should be getting a lot more fucking meal swipes

With an annual student cost of over $65,000 and an endowment of 4.6 billion dollars, take all the sides you want.  Honestly, go into Munchie Mart and just start eating. You owe it to yourself to take as much frozen food and chocolate milk as your pants can fit.

7. Al Gore dropped out of Vandy twice because it was too hard

This one’s just true.

8. The Hustler is run by a Russian bot

The Hustler has been sending fake news into our feeds for a while, but it was recently revealed that they’re actually a Russian bot.  It’s only been three years of computer-generated articles, but everyone agrees that they’re happy with the newspaper’s significant improvements in writing and content since the change.

9. No one in General Chemistry actually makes it to med school

All of these kids end up failing and dropping out.  Apparently the final is 95% of your grade, and it’s a ten-page research essay on the etymological meaning of chemistry.  Sorry if I ruined your dreams. That course-dropping deadline sure sneaks up on you.

10. Class of 2022 is projected to have at least 3 serial killers

It is important to point out that this is a projection.  We’re really only certain about the first two, but who knows; college brings out people’s potential.

  • November 16, 2018