Everyone on This Campus is a Protagonist, so I’ve Decided to be the Antagonist


I don’t believe in Astrology. There I said it. But the arbitrary-personality-categorizing-hill I will die on is the Myers–Briggs Personality test. With this personality test, the more than eight billion people on this globe can fit so conveniently (and accurately!) into 16 personality types. The second rarest personality is the ENFJ, also known as the protagonist. Despite the uniqueness of this personality type, every single person at Vanderbilt is the protagonist. But what does that mean? Well, it means everyone is thoughtful, intuitive and called to serve a greater purpose. Disgusting, I know. I’m over these empathetic and introspective bastards. None of you will save the world. Drop it. To give doe-eyed do-gooders the reality check they need, I decided to become… the antagonist!

Now for posterity’s sake, I didn’t set any buildings on fire or create an army of robots skilled in Krav Maga with a hunger for killing. I simply crushed the ENFJ’s silly idea that they can make a difference in the world. Or, at the very least, I’m going to give them pause next time they decide to do something for someone other than themselves. Gross! 

I started off small. I sniffed out every little ENFJ and began utterly tormenting them. I pantsed them in the randwich line and ran over a few with my scooter, never looking back. I even began to counteract their good deeds. I took all of the paper products they recycled and put them in the trash; I ate three times the amount of meat a normal person consumes to counteract vegetarianism; I went into a second-grade classroom and taught them multiplication wrong to counteract volunteer tutors. Try teaching them the 8-trick now! These well-meaning acts of bullying were a great start, but I needed them to understand the futility of their goodwill on a larger scale. 

All around campus, I put up posters of their heroes with X’s on their eyes. Harry Potter? X! Wilbur the pig? X! Nothing says “you will be nothing in this world” like a photo of America’s favorite pig with black X’s on his eyes. But, this wasn’t enough. I reserved every seminar and meeting room on campus so the ENFJs couldn’t gather. Sorry, Effective Altruism and Women in Government, how will you get out your message of world change now?! I gave impromptu speeches in the middle of campus focusing on failed leaders. Joan of Arc was burned at the stake. Leonardo de Vinci probably died a virgin. Oh, and Jesus Christ? Does anyone remember what happened to him? Exactly. I’m trying to show these ENFJs that their kindness is misguided and will lead to their destruction. And there is just no way all of them will change the world. I mean, it barely needs changing anyway. They should just focus on themselves like the rest of us. 

I’m hoping my acts of antagonism will prevent these ENFJs from their plans for betterment. I mean, I’m kind of the protagonist here. I’m stopping them from a life of frustration, disappointment and selflessness. Wait. What if I am actually a protagonist? Am I motivated by thoughtfulness and a desire to create a better world? Oh my gosh. I am one of them. What have I done?! I have become the exact thing I tried to defeat! I suppose the next step might be the robots; they definitely can’t fit into one of the 16 personalities. 

  • January 23, 2023