Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 1


Let us begin. Those fateful last words shook the halls as soaring music and dragons beckoned us into the conquests of Daenerys Targaryen. The winter winds billow ominously as the night king and his undead army march towards the wall, promising to bring a cold powerful enough to chill the soul. Arya’s newfound penchant for revenge sent us careening into the 7th season, promising more deaths, more action, and more… ED SHEERAN.  

That’s right folks, the newest cast member of Game of Thrones is our bumbly music gingerfart, Edwardo Sheermayne. Nothing else matters. All that other tripe is posh compared to this revelation. Ed was so blown away by fan response that he deleted his Twitter briefly before getting it back to see if anyone had anything nice to say. They didn’t. Sad Ed.  

Now we all knew Ed Sheeran would show up. He was made for Game of Thrones. I mean, he could essentially play any role and it’d be perfect.

Watch out Ed Sheeran. You wouldn’t want to end up like Ned Sheeran. Dead Sheeran. Honestly, I hope you do get stabbed or get something mild like Diptheria or a fatal common cold. But hey, even if you do die, there are plenty of other roles for you. 

Introducing, beautiful redhead wilding Sheeran making a wildling call. Jon Snow, hearing said wildling call, is concerned that it might call the wrong sort of attention – the attention of other suitors. This is romance at its finest.

But wait, suddenly Ed Sheeran isn’t the only one for Jon. Can he third-wheel quietly without the fans noticing?

Look at this guy, he was practically born for third wheeling. Thankfully he got a nice spray tan Oompa Loompa style so that the viewers aren’t confused. He’s clearly the third wheel of people who clearly want to ride a bike, but they were stuck with a trike. Thankfully for Ed, the damsel has gotten clomped. He could be the next delightful ginger in Jon’s arms.

Ed Targaryen, daughter of the fires. He could even write a song.  

“I see fire. Inside this building. I see fire. Burning my clothes. I see fi—i – i-r-e, check out my moobs, as the flames go on and on, my nips are free”

At this point you might be thinking “but wait, that’s not a dragon. That’s a guitar.  Where are the dragons?”  

Two words. Ed. Sheeran.  

But I think we all know there is only one role Ed Sheeran is made for. He was born for it. Every bit of his fame has positioned him to achieve this glorious role.  

Melisandre, Emissary of the Lord of Light…

…’s bodyguard, in the most literal sense. It really stylistically works with the whole fire-God motif and its one place he finally looks like he belongs. Keeping his hair nice and fluffy to reduce the cleavage, Ed could really do some good and bring decency to this series again. If we get enough Ed Sheeran, we could even have a series without all that scandalous ankle showing. I feel like that would boost the children viewership, allowing them to really explore this lovely carefree world of magic, dragons, love, and incest-murder.  

Game of Thrones is back. So are my perpetual diamond nips. Correlation not causation, or maybe causation. Tune in next week to the Song of Ice and Fire, hopefully sung by Ed Sheeran.  


Photo Credits: Nathan Iyer

  • July 22, 2017