How to Practice Safe Nuclear Proliferation


Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump seem intent on engaging in consensual nuclear proliferation. Both men are ready to take this relationship from a casual conflict to a more intimate, full-blown arms race. Putin has stated repeatedly that he wishes to have a nuclear arsenal that can deeply penetrate US and NATO defenses. Trump refuses to simply receive: he too wishes for the ability to get many large payloads onto Russian soil. Now that you are collateral, you may be wondering: how do they enjoy this hot military feat without suffering the consequences of STDs (Supreme and Total Destruction)?

Many methods have been suggested. Nowadays, complete abstinence from nuclear proliferation is the norm. It’s not like the 70s and 80s where nukes were made all willy-nilly and spread across the world. Internationally, people claim that creating WMDs is immoral, and they try to convince smaller countries that they don’t need to have them at all. That said, two grown men are going to do what they want to do and nothing can really stop them. Others claim that the pull-out method, as seen in the Cuban Missile Crisis, is the most effective. Unfortunately, Trump and Putin are stubborn men who always want to finish what they start, no matter the consequences. A “Plan B” method allows for the nukes to fire but not hit the ground; however, the timing is crucial for this to work.   

The safest and cheapest answer is much simpler than you may expect: nuclear condoms. Trojan has just unveiled a new line of condoms for all nuclear needs: Missilex. They’ve got thick condoms for extra protection if you are attacking Orlando and want to make sure Disneyworld stays intact.  They’ve got thin condoms for when you want to nuke a small Siberian village but still want it to feel good. They’ve even got ribbed condoms just because it makes the nuke look cooler as it enters the stratosphere and screws world peace for good.  

There is no nuke too big or small for Missilex. It can accommodate large nukes like el Diablo that can destroy a whole city a moment, to el Donald, a tiny tiny warhead that can obliterate just one woman’s self esteem. It’s important that you only put one on at a time. The friction between the two condoms actually increases in the atmosphere, potentially leading to large scale radiation that kills or endangers the lives of millions; that’s just bad manners.  

Nuclear proliferation is simply part of growing up countries. It’s important that they know how to stay safe when they eventually decide to unleash fiery death upon us all.

  • January 4, 2017