Bitchin’ Kitchen: Election Cookies


It’s a fine fall day, and you’re admiring the gorgeous red and yellow leaves on the trees until you realize…it’s Election Day. Go hide inside, away from people, and settle in with some delicious cookies designed to help you deal with the toll this election has imparted upon us all.


1 cup pumpkin spice

1 cup flour

½ stick butter

2 tbs. granulated sugar

100mg Xanax

61 scandalous emails

½ bottle Jergens Self-tanner

A sprinkle of existential anxiety


  1. Combine pumpkin spice, flour, and granulated sugar in a large mixing bowl. Set aside.

  2. Print 61 scandalous emails. Read them. Get bored because they’re uninteresting. Put emails through paper shredder, and then through food processor. Combine powdered emails with other dry ingredients.

  3. Soften butter, then combine with Jergens self-tanner until you have a shmoozing, orange cream.

  4. Take 50mg of Xanax with water. You’re going to need it.

  5. Combine wet and dry ingredients, stirring in just a pinch of existential anxiety as you mix.

  6. Shape dough into balls and place on a baking sheet.

  7. Place baking sheet in oven at 666 degrees. Bake for 4 minutes and 20 seconds.

  8. While the cookies bake, crush remaining Xanax into powder.

  9. Pull cookies from the oven and place on cooling rack.

  10. Sprinkle crushed xanax over the cookies as a garnish.


  • November 9, 2016