Blackstone Buys Last Piece of Available Real Estate in the U.S.; Funeral Home Forced to Settle for the Hill Out Back


By Thomas Robertson

NASHVILLE, TN — Last Tuesday, Blackstone CEO Nevil von Doofenshmirtz closed a deal that bought the home of a single mother of seven children. The family was left to live on the street, which Doofenshmirtz sees as a “powerful exercise” that will “strengthen” the seven children as they fight their way through life. 

This deal closing had much more monumental impacts than the dishoming of a lower class family — we see that everyday. The house was the last piece of open real estate in the country, and with its acquisition, Blackstone now holds a comfortable 83% of land in the continental United States. With land now impossible to attain, businesses looking to expand are having to settle for creative methods. Nobody knows this better than Nashville funeral home director Phillip B. Stumble. 

His funeral home reached an existential issue when they filled the entirety of their graveyards. 

“It was either sell the business or find a way, so I put my head down and went to work,” Stumble said. 

 The “work” Stumble referred to was long, painstaking days of digging graves in the hillside found behind the funeral home, just barely within the property line. When it was all said and done, Stumble had found a way to revive his business and once again prove that Darwinian business theory ultimately prevails. 

Although Stumble was overjoyed at his success, customers aren’t as satisfied. The Slant spoke with Deborah M. Udslide, daughter of the recently deceased Rebecca Udslide. 

“Well things would have been alright, probably,” Deborah said. “But right when we went to bury mama, the rain started coming down. Pretty soon we were all slipping and sliding around.”

Slant coordinators who were present at the service reported seeing many family members go face-down ass-up into the hill and proceed to fall all the way down, bringing a whole new meaning to rock bottom. In the end, though, Deborah says she doesn’t blame the funeral home nor Blackstone for her mother’s atypical funeral.

“It’s really my fault I think,” she said. “If I had been born better, I wouldn’t have become subject to corporate poaching and immoral business practices.” 

The reality remains that there’s only so many graves that can fit into that beautiful hill, but Stumble says he has further plans for the future. 

“I know a farmer that started planting corn horizontally,” Stumble said. “So I think I’m gonna eventually have to look into something like that, maybe even giving people eternal bunkmates in a 2-for-1 offer sorta way.” 

Stumble isn’t worried about the existential threats facing his line of work. 

“Eh, I think things just sort of have a natural way of coming to an end,” he said. “The Beatles had the Rolling Stones, new Coke had old Coke and funeral homes have mega corporate entities.” 

Stumble maintains his resolve, then, in a case of almost certain doom. It would almost be admirable if he wasn’t making families roll down the graves of their loved ones.

  • April 26, 2024