Valentines Around the Loop


For this latest edition of Around the Loop, the Slant Staff interviewed folks about their V-day plans.

Sam, 18, virgin — HAHA we’re just fucking with you. We’d never ask a virgin what they’re doing on Valentine’s Day. That’s so sad. We care about our readers, and wouldn’t dream of subjecting you to that.

Lisa, 40, widowed: I am consumed by tragedy. Today, though, I am thanking God for the fact that I can eat some of my husband’s ashes – slowly, deliberately, mindfully – to be close to him. I will sacrifice my sensitive taste buds every year until that jar is depleted and we are reunited. Even death cannot stop our dinner for two.

James, florist: Wooh! I’m almost out of all these flowers! But they’ll never smell the blood over these few remaining roses 🙂

Girl that got married when she was 19: I’m breastfeeding my baby. Or finding a sitter. I don’t know, I’m clearly not good at making decisions, why are you asking me this?

Ted Bundy: Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m gonna murder and fuck you too. In that order. Also, did you see my new doc?

Jehovah’s Witness: I don’t celebrate holidays.

Busy Betsy: I’ll be studying, of course! Tee-hee! Busy me!

Waiter at fancy restaurant: Man, it sure is busy. I wonder if the widow wouldn’t mind moving that fancy jar so I can take that extra chair…

Guy with Low T: I have been saving up my man hormones all year, just for this one day. Let’s hope it’s enough to satisfy my sweet and hungry lover. I wish to make up for every disappointing coital encounter we’ve had over the past three hundred and sixty five days. My reserves are always oh-so-depleted, but on this day, they will be full. Prepare yourself, my love.

  • February 14, 2019