Amid Approaching Exams, Single Fuck Fears He Might Not Be Given by Owner


NASHVILLE, TN – When freshman Quincy Cornelius Irving arrived on move-in day from Chicago, he brought along an ample amount of fucks. Quincy started off with meticulous study habits and attended all of his classes while maintaining good grades. As the semester progressed, he continued to give fucks about his exams and homework assignments. For instance, he gave a fuck, Bob, when he decided to study and not go out Piranha’s on Saturday night. During late September, other fucks, including Bill, Jerry, and Michael, were also given away as Quincy studied for other midterm exams. Whenever Quincy cared about a specific assignment, he would expel a fuck from his mind; however, as time progressed, Quincy found himself with only one fuck left: Andrew.

Andrew, the final fuck, confided to The Slant that he is worried that Quincy might not give him up. Recently, Quincy has started to drink more alcohol and procrastinate on his homework assignments in calculus. As Quincy’s grades have recently slipped, Andrew expressed concern that Quincy’s recent entry into recreational drug use has further distracted him from his schoolwork. “After saying bye to Bill and Michael and the rest of the fucks, I’m worried that I’ll just be stuck here alone,” said Andrew. “With this upcoming Chemistry test, I’m pretty sure that Quincy isn’t going to give a fuck.”

Andrew has since considered what might life might look like as the ‘final fuck’ left in Quincy’s brain. “My mom was the last fuck left in Quincy’s mother’s brain, and she said she went a whole two years before new fucks came to give her company,” said Andrew. While he is adamant that he will persevere throughout the cold winter if Andrew does in fact not give any fucks for his Chemistry final, Andrew maintains that he will only have to wait a few weeks until semester grades are released for Quincy “to start giving more fucks” about schoolwork again.

  • October 21, 2016