Branscomb Resident Tests Positive for Bubonic Plague


An unnamed Lupton 3 resident has recently tested positive for the Black Plague, campus officials released in a shocking statement on Monday.

The student in question is currently admitted in VUMC, undergoing rigorous bloodletting treatments and daily urine baths. No word has been released as to the effectiveness of the treatments, but anyone who has any basic knowledge of European history or basic functions of the human body can guess how this ends. (Hey pre-meds, maybe AXLE IS useful for something.)

Although full details of the situation have yet to be released, it has been confirmed that the student was employed by Vanderbilt Campus Dining, and those who have dined in Rand within the past two to three weeks are strongly urged to visit Student Health for sample testing. Student Health does want to reiterate, however, that any tests conducted or results given are NOT warrant for sick notes for class, so please control your blood-vomiting and take your ass to Calculus.

The University has claimed that the contraction of this disease is unrelated to the ‘residential experience’ they hold so highly, but those grisly-looking rats in the Branscomb laundry room are telling a different story. Since the statement was released by University officials, a few more students have reportedly come forward claiming symptoms of illness after wrangling a few of these rodents while doing their laundry, but unfortunately all of these students passed away from ‘unrelated natural causes’ before we could reach out for further questioning.

Many students and families have already expressed deep concern as to how this situation will be properly handled by campus Health and Safety officials, but some others have a more optimistic outlook on how this new outbreak has the potential to improve life on campus.

“Maybe this’ll help with all the long ass lines for dining,” a current junior explained to us. “I’ve been waiting too long for my fucking Rand Bowls, this has got to be some divine intervention or something.” 

Although many may not share the same sentiments as placing human life below a mediocre-at-best quinoa bowl, it’s interesting to see how the re-emergence of a voracious medieval disease can spark a few rays of hope in others’ lives.

  • November 13, 2019