To the United Kingdom, From the European Union

 Daaamn Guuuurl, is that a new shade of blue?

Daaamn Guuuurl, is that a new shade of blue?


Honey, baby, don’t leave me. You’re my iron lion, my knight in shining Camelot armor, the light of my life. I know that things have been hard around here lately – Angela’s been acting up, and the borders have been weird, and the finances have been bad, but can’t you tell I love you? I need you. You’re the staunch, pasty biscuit on our tea tray of affection, and it wouldn’t be the same without you.

Think of the children! We raised the Euro all by ourselves – sure, Germany helped, but it’s not the same without you. Pay attention to David; I can change, I promise. You want independent business? Fine! Benefi ts? Of course! You don’t even have to help pay for bailouts anymore – I’ll cover it all. I’ll send you all the nudes of Italy you want – or France? Spain? Tell me. I’m not truly great without you – Greece keeps asking for more and fighting with Germany for money, and it’s almost too much for me to bear; I won’t be able to say no to Greece without you by my side. They’ve been around almost as long as you, but they haven’t brought me the joy that you have, or the money. But I can change! I can be strong if you’re with me. You’re my trusted companion, my other half – I am not whole without you.

Don’t scare me this way, baby. Come back. You complete me. I’m yours, forever. If you leave, I’ll never forgive myself. I can’t live without you. I don’t want to.

Please. Don’t.



  • April 6, 2016