Falcons QB Sort of Squats During National Anthem, Country Unsure of How to React


In what may or may not have been a bold act of defiance, Atlanta Falcons Quarterback Matt Ryan partially crouched during the pre-game national anthem, hovering somewhere in the gray zone between standing and sitting. This possibly subversive deed was met by fans with ambivalence.

“Well, my first instinct was to call him an anti-American, freedom-hating, veteran-disrespecting Commie bastard,” one fan reported, “But the more I thought about it, the more uncertain I became. He was really sending me some mixed signals. Like, maybe he just has weak knees?”

Another commented, saying, “I definitely support Matt Ryan’s protest of our nation’s corrupt system of justice, if that is indeed what he was doing. Is that what he was doing? I can’t really be sure. It was honestly pretty ambiguous.”

Referees are consulting the instant replay to better ascertain the Quarterback’s intentions. No word yet on whether Matt Ryan truly hates America and everything it stands for.


  • September 13, 2016