Corporation Hires Frat Bouncer to Increase Ratio of Female Executives


By Sam Sliman

In an unprecedented move, Walmart has decided to hire sophomore Ty Tass from ATO as a Diversity, Equity and Inclusion consultant. In this role, Tass will be working with Walmart’s most elite executives.

Although underqualified Vanderbilt graduates getting paid exorbitant sums of money to consult large corporations is nothing new, Tass’ quick rise to the top of the ranks has shocked many. Not only has he achieved an abnormally high position without even being halfway through his degree, he also got there for an unlikely reason: his skills as a frat bouncer.

When asked about this unusual decision, Walmart representative Dwayne Isbals praised Ty, saying, “He’s shown an exceptional ability to maintain the ratio of men to women at any function. He’s fully aware of the dangers of male-dominated spaces and we think it’s quite admirable that he works so hard to make sure women are fairly represented. He always makes sure to emphasize how women deserve a seat at the table — especially if it’s a beer pong table”

One particularly well-received initiative has been Tass’ new referral system. In order to weed out candidates, he’s been spotted at interviews asking potential hires to “name five employees.” Failure to list five active members of the company has resulted in an automatic rejection for nearly every male applicant. However, Tass granted exceptions if men brought along three or more women to apply alongside them, in which case he considered the ratio acceptable.

More controversially, Tass has implemented WME (Walmart Member Experience) credit to be awarded to those who stay away from union activities, suggested “CEOs and Corporate Hoes” as a theme for a board meeting and has made absolutely no attempts to promote company diversity in race or sexuality. When pressed about this, Tass simply claimed, “It’s just not a great culture fit…” and refused to elaborate further.

However, seemingly in response to these criticisms, Tass has become much more vocal about his many successes. Not only are board meetings more representative and equitable spaces, he claims, but office Christmas parties have turned into “absolute ragers.” In fact, on the backs of these parties alone, Walmart has reached #4 on Vanderbilt’s GreekRank with students everywhere clamoring to get an offer.

It remains to be seen whether Tass’s drastic new direction will pay off for Walmart, but there’s no doubt that the young man shows incredible potential and all signs point to an exciting future waiting for him in the lucrative field of maintaining “the ratio.”

  • November 11, 2023