Why We Shouldn’t Be So Quick To Brush off Mitch McConnell’s Encounter With the Divine


By Nathaniel Geriatric-Man

Moses at Mount Sinai, Muhammad in the cave and now McConnell at the Capitol. On Monday, July 26 during a news conference at the Capitol, Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell’s gaze drifted past the room full of reporters and towards something beyond. And miraculously, on Wednesday, Aug. 30 it happened again. When asked about his plans for reelection McConnell checked out of our world. Some present in the room report to have seen the face of God in the 81-year-old’s eyes while others claim to have seen the amalgamation of their past lives. 

The jury is still out on exactly what or who it was that McConnell saw and the public is scrambling for answers. Cult-like Christian offshoots have sprung up in the wake of McConnell’s freeze. Primarily based in Kentucky, groups such as Heaven’s State contend that perhaps McConnell received a message from the God of Abraham. The group claims to be on standby in their freshest Nikes for when McConnell gives them the go ahead. Other groups such as the Branch Kentuckians believe that the devil finally made good on his promise with McConnell and claimed his soul mid-press conference, a sign of the end times and the collapse of government. In preparation, they have secluded themselves in a compound loaded with enough weapons and food to survive an apocalyptic event or the ATF. 

More levelheaded science-oriented individuals have begun to ask the hard-hitting questions. Could McConnell have been charging up a long-lost slur from his glory days in Sheffield, Alabama? Or did he just see two dudes holding hands? Maybe it was two women and he was trying to figure out which one is the man in the relationship? These are just a few of the questions at the forefront of the debate but all proposals seem equally as likely to cause the senator to freeze.

A recent doctor’s evaluation seems to lend credence to the theory of divine encounter as the attending physician of Congress, Dr. Brian P. Monahan, assessed McConnell to be “medically clear.” As the attending physician of Congress and the Supreme Court, Dr. Monahan has plenty of experience working with living fossils and absolute ghouls. As a result, archaeologists and History Channel ghost hunters all across the country have praised Monahan for such an apolitical and fair evaluation of McConnell. On the other hand, real doctors disagree.

Republicans have been quick to defend the decision and have even praised the quick and free government provided healthcare that McConnell received, stating, “This type of health care should be the standard for every citizen in our great country but in like a cool and not socialist way.” 

Still, others feel less satisfied with this conclusion as there has been no clear medical diagnosis for McConnell’s 1000 yard stare. While all the details of the incident are yet to be known, it can almost certainly be concluded that Mitch McConnell encountered some higher power. May God have mercy on us all. 

  • November 12, 2023