Am I the Antichrist? Ten Fun, Flirty Fall Signs That Point to Yes!
By Lucy Ferguson
These days, it feels like there’s a lot of pressure on college students to use these four years to find their purpose. When the people around you can barely figure out how to measure laundry soap without overflowing the machine, such a lofty, magnanimous goal seems near impossible! I mean, how are you supposed to decide at just 21 years of age if you should spend the rest of your life working at a refugee resettlement agency or as a business analyst with Capital One?
Lucky for me though, I hear these complaints and simply cannot relate. It’s hard to explain, but I’ve always felt like my destiny has been clear since even before I arrived on this earth — it’s almost like it was foretold somewhere. I can’t say for certain what it is, but if I’m reading the signs right I think I exist to serve a much greater purpose than the rest of my peers. Unfortunately for my peers, that purpose just might be bringing about the end of days. But that’s only if I’m reading the signs right. Which I think I am, but you tell me!
1. Everyone’s been complaining about climate change and how the weather has just suddenly gone from really warm to really cold? Personally, I don’t believe in global warming as I’ve never felt the climate change even once. Quite frankly, I feel really toasty no matter when or where I am.
2. When I was six, my art teacher yelled at me for running with scissors and made me cry. The next week he got hit by a car. He lived though, so I don’t think this one is as strong of an indicator as the rest.
3. The Voices.
4. The circumstances of my birth have been kept secret from me. Initially, I thought this might be because I was adopted and my parents just didn’t know how to tell me but in light of all these other things, it’s beginning to feel a bit more suspicious.
5. The other day I told my friend that my favorite part of flying on planes was when the ground opens up and the plane does a nosedive into the core of the Earth and he had absolutely no clue what I was talking about. I guess they don’t need to do that to fly into O’Hare but it happens every time I fly home to Gehenna, the suburb of Atlanta I live in.
6. I immediately hate any people I meet named Michael. I swear to g̷̘͇͈̻̩̒̾̿͜o̷̡̢̭͉̟͔̰̗̣̰̹̜̾͝ͅͅd̵̞̱͊̃̍͆̈́̒͝, they just open up their smarmy little mouths and they IMMEDIATELY piss me off.
6. Sometimes when I wake up, I have no memories from the night before.
6. I have this really weird mark on my arm and forehead that kind of looks like it says 6̸̬̍̈́͂͘͜͝6̷̭̙̭̣̈́̀̐͑̎̓̕6̴̘̄̈́. Wait, can you read that? The mark on my arm and forehead, it says 6̴̛͓̯̪͉̗̯̩̠͉̻̲̠̮͓̯̞͑̂̎́͗͂̾̓̋̃̔͂̕6̶̢̡̡̩͖̟̲͙̈́̏̇͌̾̏̈͌͘͝6̵̛͔̜̮̭̗͕̭͕̻͕̓͌̐̆̽̆̒̅̄́̃͐̓͝͝͝
7. ȟ̷̦͕̞͓̲̱̹̥̬͖̑̄͋̈́̉̿̎̏̃̇͝͠͝ͅȨ̴̛̝̹͖̣͍͔͓̾͊͗̐̍̉̉͛̇̽̾̽̚͝l̸̬̬̫͔̜͙̻̩̜͎̭͈̍́̌̈́̀́̈́͛͊̅̔̔͂͜͝ͅp̶̨̧̻̦͚̭̊̀̆͛̔̍͂̒̿̀͝͝!̵̖͋̉͌̉̅̀̉͑̋̈́̿̿̈́͝͝ ̶̛͔̲͔̓̕Ī̷̡̛̭̼̞̲̠́̍̓̈͛̄͗͂̇̊̾̾͘͜ͅ ̶̛̮̱͉̱̘̬̙̌̉̃̀̀͌̆̏̾̃̑̐͋̚͠͝â̴̲̐m̸̳͚̙̪̝̟̘͉̰̬͙͇̦̞̱̱̰̂̾̉ ̸̡̥͖̳̥̬̬̩̫̜͙̤͕̈́̅t̴̟̖̲͙̦͗̎̅͛̐͛̉̽͆̚͠͝r̷̢̨̯̻͍̖͒͝y̷̢̡͚̫̰̙̦̱͒̾͑̅̅̀ĩ̵̡͉̠̜̞̙̞̺͙̠͕̳̮̝̍͗́͐͋̈́̆̇̀͗͠n̸̨̢̦̩̹̮̣̊̀̾̏̀͆̕̕̚͜͠g̸̢̫̲̭͇̮̣͙̫̩̘̰̥̹̗̝̽̎̏̚ ̸̗͖͉̟̰͊̀̀̆̃̅̍́͌͘͜ṭ̶̺̯͎̥͕̋̃͒̾̓̎̾̀͊͛̌̑̄ơ̷̦̪̹͛̓̆̓̿̅̃̋̀̌̂͠ ̵̢͎̗̮̭̘̲̯̪̻͕͙͚͙̓̎̚͠ẅ̴̨̛̟̼̩̠̦͈͍͚̞͙̠̫̞̙́͗̉͂̓̊̌̈̄̍̉̾̒́͜͝͝ŗ̵͈̰̘̰̙͙̘͇͍̼̊̒͂͐̒̃̂͑͆̕̚͜͝i̵̛̫̠̯͔̜̘͙̻̦̥͔̯̦̣̓̍̓̇͋̈́̂̈́̒̏̏̐̃̋̕͝ţ̸̛͕̺̦̯̪̲̪͕̙̟̬̑̐̓͂̀͆͌̂̇͊̌́́͝͝͝ę̶̥͚̼̏̆͒͋̂͝ ̷̡͛̈́̀̃̔̔̃͝m̷̡̡͕̬͇̱̣̳̙̞̖͖̮̩̞̑y̴̛̙͕̳͚̽̓̅̌́̾͊͗̀̊̀̈ ̷͇̲͕̬͖̖̹͐̍͛̇͑̇͜͝Š̸̯̥̹̘͖̠͍̤͙͆̓͘͜l̷̩͔̪̘̪̱̦̟͚̟͉̠͚̥̉̋̀́͜ä̷͍̪̼̲̪̱̻̖͇̱̩̦͉́͜͜n̵̢̢̨͕̣̜͎̲̰̬͆̈́̀̈́̏̾͂̔͘͝ͅţ̷̛̛̹̘̯̱͕̩͔̣̮̟͖̳͐͑̃̈́̽̒̌̇́́̿͒͘͠ ̸͈̳̣̘̗̯͙̦̩̬̋͗̇̅́̑̓͛̚͜a̵̢̰͎̥͍͇̞͈͈̭̰̣͚̒̑͑̀̈́̍̐̈́͂̾͝͝r̸̞̱̤̰̤̮̲̥̝̰̱̩̗͓̝͚̒̽̈́̒̆̀̇͗̋̔̒͑̍͊͘ţ̴̛̥̬͙̠̟͍̼̳̙̣̩̾̈́̃̋̂̈́̀̂̌́͜i̵̧͈͔̖͆̑̄̿̓͑̉͠c̸̻͈͛́͠l̸̰̭̦̠̼̜͈̦͎̦͓̬͂̀̉̋̈́̄͛͜ḛ̵̛̱͓͈̹̱́̊̍̏͐̃͜ ̷̛͍̣̣̣̦̜͚̋͜a̸͖͚̫̪̗̪̟̲̪̜̅̀̑͛̂̆́͗̑̀̂͋̐̈́̒͜͝ņ̴̼͇̱͍̏̈́̎̏̇̈́͌̾͛͒͒̎͘̚͝ḋ̸̡̡͍͕͈̳̞̺̮̣̞̾̕ ̵̢̧̮͖̣̭̤͖̲̯́͐̀̑̕͝t̷̨̜̜̦͉̫̗͙̗̲̳̯̦̦͗̓͋ͅȟ̷̨̳͍̻͙̣̥̘̺̞̽̽̂̋͑̽̇̉͘͠͝͝ͅe̸̢̻͓̜͔̟͓̰͇͕͚̰͇͙̐́̒̿͐̽̚͜͠ ̴͎̺̪̦͇̼̖͗̂̐̋̐̏̀͛̿͆͒̈́̾̓͜t̴̨̛̥̼̤͖̲̫̮̫͓͎́͊̑̈́͂̈̒̏̓͘͠è̶͍̠͖̼̹̜̆͆̍͊̍̊̔͝x̵̢̤̬̰͈͍͛̿̔̇͊͆̉͘͘̚͝t̵̡̡̛̖̟͚̹͈͚͈̮̹͑̏̔͋́͑̾̓̚̚ ̶̬̦̝̞͇̊̽̅͗̽̿̽̃͛̓͐́̀̕͝k̶̢̢̛̰̤̲̭̖͈͖̬͓̥͕͋̇̅͒̓́͐̔̌̍̍̋̓̕e̴̢͕͇̺̳̻̗͚̬͍͕̐͌̚͜ͅě̸̳̾̈́́̂̚͝p̶͈̠̗̳͈̮̤̖̖̩̏̌̂̈̊̉̌̀̆͆́̎̒͝s̶̖̳͌͌̿̔́̔͑̽͝ ̸̢̛̛̞͔̤̝̍́̀̕͜͜b̵̧̢̩̣̮̮͔̀̿̀̎́͒̿̌̽͆̄̈̎͛̄͘u̷̡͇͕̳͓̟̲̭̼̳͉̻̠͌́̈́̅̈́́̑̐̒̈́̀̈́̓͂̈́͘ģ̶̛̮̼̻͎̺̰͎̼̻̘̯̐͒̒͒̈́͑̔̀͘̚͝ģ̴̩̮̠͈̟͗̋̌́͐͋̆̾̈́͗͂̚̚͝ȉ̶͓͚̪̼̂̑̈̌̒̽͛̍͊͝ņ̷͎͎̪̝̭͉͇͍͔̝̳̣̒̒͗̀̒̄̀̑͝͝ǧ̸̨͔͔͔̓ ̷̦͈̜̮̪͉͉͆̔̈̐̓̿̀͒̈̎̄ơ̷͎̲͍̋͂̌́̿̑̐̾̆̈́͐͘̚͝͠u̷̡̬͔̳͙͚͍̼̹̻̟̮̒͊̊̂̽́͒̉͌̂͐̈́͌̓͘͠͠t̵̨̜͉̳͚̻̖̙̐͒̋͒̊͑͌̌̊͝͠ͅ!̷̨̧̢̫̯̫̼̝͙̱̜͎̯͔̣̪̪̄̅͂̿̍̎̐̍̔̋͒͋̒̀̌̕!̶̨̼͍̠̩̥̗̲̜̲͓̼̮̼̇͗͒̈́̈́͗̊̊́͂̚͝!̸̨̧̗̠̝̖̹̰̾̍̽͌̅͑͂̕̚!̵͉̹͙͙̻̖̮̈̊̾́͒͌̀͗̋́̕͝ Ą̶͔͕̬̖̳̖͈̈̈́͒͐͌à̴͙̹̤͇̈̈́̋̍̾̒͂̚͝͝á̶̢̞̬̘̞̳̗͕͚̲a̶̬̠͈̟͍̬̱̦̟͉̻̖̘͆̂͘ã̸͍̟Ã̵͉̔́Ą̴̛̙̲̰͛̈́̉͛͋̓̔͠a̶̦̼͙͇͉̍̿͗̀̃͛͋̑̓̈́̊͋̑̿̐̕Ả̶͍̮̝̒̉͒̀͘a̶̡͖͇͈̭̬̺̘̰͋̿̂̓́͐͗̆͌͋̒̄̈͘̚͝ͅa̴̩̘̤͔̩̣̣̤̰̭͇̠̺̩͑̇̔͊͌͐͛̈́͋͊͑̄̉ả̶̭̤́̍̈̃a̸͈̗̰̺͖͕̹̠̾̈́͂̎͋̿͠͠