Du du dududu du dududu du dududu du du, duuuuuuuh, duuuuuuuh, dududu duuuuuuuuh du du du dead people everywhere this episode. Like this post if you sang the theme song in your head. Just kidding, no-one reads this shit except my editor. It’s kind of like a personal journal. No, I’m not crying; I’m just hydrating my face.
Both Lady Crane and the Blackfish both came into our lives and died long before we even knew that we were supposed to care about them. Lady Crane got killed by a stool. Or a stool got killed by Lady Crane. I don’t know which is worse. I got attached to that lil guy. He was brown and stooly. Rest in shattered little pieces my friend. Oh god, I’m crying. So many emotions. Blackfish, who, disappointingly was neither black nor a fish, died off-screen. I didn’t even know I was supposed to care about him yet. But more than his loss, I’m mourning the screen-time that could have been used for White Walker stuff. That’s all I really care about.
In the show, character murdering is a bit like the pooping cycle. Sometimes they go in and out and no-one even cares. Sometimes it’s surprising and you feel betrayed and horrified. Sometimes it’s red. In both cases, preferably not. Sometimes you think they are gone, but really they were only getting started. Sometimes it’s louder than the CHONG of a bell of tacos and burns like the fire of Daenarys’s dragons. Okay, ya got me, that’s just a poop thing. But in both cases it happens a lot and can be quite shitty or quite satisfying.
George R.R. Martin once said that he kills off characters because it’s more realistic like our world. No, George. In real life, people die of old age all the time. If Game of Thrones was realistic it would depict people eating fatty foods and then dying, or getting into horse crashes, or playing drinking games with bows and arrows, or tripping really unfortunately. That’s the real world, buddy.
Arya was kicking ass and taking names… and faces… and stab wounds to the chest. After luring the Waif into her devious trap, she went Bane mode and used her darkness skills to incapacitate the salty bitch. There were a lot of offscreen deaths. Methinks they were saving their death props for something much, much bigger.
The Cleganes are back in action and bigger and badder than ever. After a purely informative lesson on how to put your finger in someone’s butt-hole by pretending to give a kissing lesson, the Hound rampage smackdown transpired. It was savage. He axed one man’s Jimmy’s so hard that I felt the entire male viewing population gasp as the pain reverberated out of the screen and into our collective crotchz. I added a “z” there to appeal to the teens. I’m so hip, I’m thinking about changing my name to Hillary. God, she’s good with the teens.
In Meereen, Tyrion tries to teach people how to make jokes. Here’s one: a Stark, a Lannister, and a Martell walk into a bar. The Stark says nothing, because all of them are dead due to stab wounds. It’s funny. Haha. I should really get into comedy… Daenarys returns looking flustered, as people do when they return from vacation with an army bombing their house. Hell, she’s been riding that dragon for the past two episodes too. She probably has some crotch burn by now cause those scales ain’t no fouton. It’s been a while since she’s had a nice cleansing slaughter festival. Please, please let the festivities begin.
The astute fan of my work will notice that I haven’t mentioned boobs in a while. For that, I am sincerely and truly sorry. Yara Greyjoy brings her emasculated brother to a boob-house, fulfilling the boob quota in the HBO contract. Their conversation goes something like this: “WHERE IS YOUR MANHOOD? Oh wait… yeah… it was in that package Ramsay sent me. Oh well, commit suicide if you aren’t feeling up for this. Good talk.” She then dives into a pile of boobs. Psychiatry would not be a recommended career option for her.
Cersei is in a steaming pile of shit right now. She has no-one. She can no longer have a trial by combat, which, to be fair, doesn’t really make sense as a legal system. I guess it makes more sense than the US justice system as it has nothing to do with the color of one’s skin. It is her time. She’s also evil. Jaime is a fair and gentle man normally. One thought about Cersei and he’s threatening to catapult a little boy into a castle. That escalated rather quickly…
The next episode will be perhaps the single greatest television episode ever. So kids, get ready for blood, boobs, the battle of the Bastards, and Boulton bashing. Boom.