Nashville Debuts New Stunt to Reduce Unhoused Population: Homeless Czar

By Fieve P. Ercenter

NASHVILLE, TN — Happy anniversary, Czar Corradi! This month marks a full year since the establishment of the inaugural New York City rat czardom. On April 12th, 2023, New York City appointed Kathleen Corradi as its first-ever director of rodent mitigation, colloquially known as the “rat czar.” The New York press team conveyed the city’s excitement in a celebratory announcement: “Corradi, we kiss your feet. You admirable general of the war on rats, you.”

Yet, this level of excitement pales in comparison to the current uproar in Nashville. On April 3, the Tennessee state senate announced the establishment of its own long-awaited director of pest control, “homeless czar,” Kenneth Corrati.

In his first address, Czar Corrati, locally known as “Rat,” established his passion for the extermination of Nashville’s pesky, illegal residents. Reports from Rat’s office show that these critters pose serious issues to our community with their encampments on the city’s dying grass plots, public transportation and decrepit sidewalks. If Rat can do one thing for Nashville, he said, it may as well be promising eratication of this problem.

“No longer will our city settle for their illegal occupation,” he vowed. “I take the threat of the homeless extremely seriously.” 

Following Rat’s speech, his associates made their own official statements, such as the chair of City Health, Rhoden T.

 “The growing issue of infestation has caused me to take an exorbitant amount of sick and mental health days from my job,” he said. “They sicken me and inspire generational flashbacks to the plague times, those sneaky buggers … But no more. Czar Corrati, I profess my undying love to you. Through sickness and health, I’ll be at your side, cheering you on.”

Afterward, Chair of Broadway Spatial Conservation Dae D. Rinker voiced more practical concerns.

“The Nashville culture centerpiece is Broadway and its doppelganger Dayway,” she said. “In this sacred space, nothing matters more than our intentional and organized use of ground. Legroom and space to ‘yak’ is necessary for my citizens. Thus, the ravenous, drunken, crazed homeless-ees out day and night have served as a significant point of contention for us. Rat, I happily bestow the responsibility over my domain into your iron fist. Good luck.” 

In closing, the chair of anti-homeless architecture, Richard “Dick” Smith, was asked to speak. 

“We’ve tried, with frequent failure, to up the ante of hostile architecture,” he stated. “We angled and segmented our benches with unnecessary armrests, and yet we remained defeated by the cunning, clever minds of the homeless. With Rat in our arsenal, we’ll overtake our past techniques in no time. At the end of the day, Czar Corrati will help us with the chief goal: finding additional ways to make the lives of the homeless as hard, and as poor quality, as possible.” 

Following these statements, the city responded with a week of festivities wild enough to rival college students on a Mardi Gras road trip. Alongside the celebrations, officials continued to show support for Czar Corrati with a public release of an enumerative list of Rat’s responsibilities: 

1. Pest control: wholesale murder; deprivation of food and water.
2. Beautification: incineration of unofficial housing structures. (Blankets, tents, etc.)
3. Psychological warfare: Nashville VA parking garage bird-sound speakers to now play anti-homeless soundbites, including the following:
   1. “Lazy! Lazy!” 
   2. “Have you ever considered… getting a job???” 
   3. “The liberals don’t love you, alley dwellers!”
   4. “Class C Misdemeanor. Class C Misdemeanor.”

So keep partying hard, Nashvillians! SB1610 never sufficed, as all of us housed folks know, but Corrati will.