9 Ways to Convince Me You’re Fit for President


By Alex Tomack

In addition to running campaign ads that feel 70 years late, independent candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has been trying to demonstrate that he’s fit for the presidency in the most literal sense — by doing pushups. 9, to be exact.

How is this surprisingly average amount of pushups supposed to win me over? America is the last bastion of freedom after all, and as such, I need my president to do a little extra something special! 

I have to say, I’m a bit worried that candidates don’t know how to appeal to me. So, in line with RFK Jr.’s 9 pushups, here are 9 things any presidential candidate can do if they want my immensely valuable vote:

  1. Double the NFL Combine record for bench press.

Surely you can lift us out of $34,000,000,000,000 of debt, too — right?

  1. Juggle on a unicycle.

I have only ever seen clipart clowns do this.

  1. Pass through the tunnel painted on a wall instead of crashing into it and flattening like a pancake.

You a freak and I love it!

  1. Instead of killing the tiny creatures of the Earth, you instead capture them and release them back into their natural habitat.

For it is not the spider, nor the vole, who are odd — rather, it is the white box of glass, stone, and wood; and the loud, metal machines, which poison the air and silence the chorus of all beautiful creatures. 

  1. Billie Jean lean.

Hoooooly shit. Holy shit.

  1. Be familiar with bird migration patterns.

I just feel like this would be helpful in a handful of survival scenarios.

  1. Explain to me why the moon changes shapes in the sky.

It still won’t make sense to me, but I’ll nod and pretend it does.

  1. Show enthusiasm for Rube Goldberg machines.

They are the coolest things ever, and nobody believes me.

  1. Know things about Egyptian literature. 

Wised by the ages, the oracle foretold that the remnants of the old world shall be born again in death — their immortal soul reclaimed by he who bears the sign of a true leader. You have always been that leader.

  • April 20, 2024