Kids these days. They don’t remember the troubling times of the lawless, anarchic 2000s where anything went. Y2K embedded a youthful nonchalance in newly-wed couples to give their children anything plastic into which they could sink their teeth. Asbestos was out, but microplastics were IN. Late-night TV ads offered a treasure trove of mysteriously sourced […]
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MILF Hunting: Seven Ways to Justify Hooking up with Your Roommate’s Mom on Family Weekend
You wore your “TO DO LIST: YOUR MOM” shirt to the tailgate and you’re not a quitter. If they were a true friend they would understand that when you make a commitment, you stand by it. Yeah sure, the shirt started as a satiric play on the frat guys who wear it seriously even though […]
OPINION: I Have Lice
I was going to write a fun little article about how to give imposter syndrome to someone, probably that annoying frat boy who thinks he’s God’s gift to Earth in your philosophy class, but I realized I have bigger issues. Or, smaller issues. Lice. Head lice, to be precise. Not crabs. I don’t have crabs. […]
I Spent the Last Six Hours on LinkedIn and I’m Very Excited to Announce My Newest Position: Crying Myself to Sleep
My eyes are bloodshot red. I haven’t blinked in the past hour. My room is dark except for the white and blue light emanating from my screen. My friends are all going out tonight. Probably going to some bar or kickback where they will interact with real people and hear in-person life updates. They invited […]
Dores Divest, in Effort to Seize Admin Attention, Boycotts Wiping
“This will show them we mean business,” said Gulley Hender (Class of ‘23) as he tossed the last roll of toilet paper into the massive pile on Alumni Lawn. A member of the crowd screamed “douse it!” On cue, the group of students ran around the mound of toilet paper and sprayed gasoline, covering the […]
BREAKING: Diverse Friend Group Runs from Campus Photographer; Five in Critical Condition at VU Medical
Click below to view photos… From Freshman Kickoff to the historic Founder’s Walk, Vanderbilt is doing everything it can to create the picturesque campus environment the Office of Admissions can funnel into the mouths of groveling high school seniors nationwide. However, Vanderbilt’s gambit to perpetuate its reign by feasting on the young may be slipping. […]
I Missed Every Slant Meeting Last Semester: Here are My Excuses
What they don’t tell you about satirical publications is that the writers are actually not funny whatsoever. They are the most painfully awkward and insufferable people you will ever meet. Trust me, I know; I am one. I did not attend a single Slant meeting last semester. Here is what I texted the editor. I’m […]
Campus
BREAKING: Diverse Friend Group Runs from Campus Photographer; Five in Critical Condition at VU Medical
Click below to view photos… From Freshman Kickoff to the historic Founder’s Walk, Vanderbilt is doing everything it can to create the picturesque campus environment the Office of Admissions can funnel into the mouths of groveling high school seniors nationwide. However, Vanderbilt’s gambit to perpetuate its reign by feasting on the young may be slipping. […]
Top Five Changes Coming to Dining this Year
Vanderbilt dining has been described as bad, horrible, dogshit, made me cry, dryer than a chem lecture and twice as long, feels like someone took my stomach outside and beat it with a shovel, more tasteless than truck nuts on a hearse, blood curdling, just regular curdling, seafood in a landlocked state, and so chewy […]
Diermeier Dormitories to Replace Branscomb Quad in Fall 2022
Vanderbilt Chancellor Daniel Diermeier recently announced his plans to tear down Branscomb Quadrangle, an upper-level residence hall that notably houses Ethan Wacker, pledges who failed to get a bid freshman year and transfer students who simply don’t know any better. The Diermeier Dormitories will be built in its place. When I spoke to Diermeier about […]
Why You Didn’t Need a Res College Single Anyway
By: Slant Staff So, just like me, you applied to the singles housing process. If you were part of the sliver of lucky bastards who got a res college single, don’t let it get to your head. Diermeier still isn’t going to invite you to his circle jerks, champ. If you didn’t get a res […]
Hooking Up For Housing: Why I Won’t Be Sleeping With Anyone Who Doesn’t Live In A Res College
By: Slant Staff Vanderbilt has no housing. Rather than solving the problem in a rational matter, like say allowing us to live off-campus, OHARE has asked students to beg for housing (or simply bribe their way into a six-person suite). I, however, am a woman of principle. I refuse to get on my knees for […]
Mold This, Mold That. When Are We Going to Talk about the Poop-Stained Panties I Found in the Lupton 4 Bathroom?
By: Slant Staff Listen, I understand that the mold found in Morgan (and now Lewis) is a big deal. I get it, you get it. Even the Hustler gets it, or at least I thought they did? I could’ve sworn I saw an article about it but it’s not there anymore. I can’t say I’m […]