By: Connor Pattinson In a recent poll of students from the Lone Star State, most of them were failing at least one class. This is, of course, because they are incompetent buffoons. More importantly, however, they were blissfully unaware that they were failing after week six of classes. One Texas student said, “I only missed […]
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Win for Feminism: Girl in Your HOD Class Stopped Flirting with a Vandy Boy to Ask a Mildly Intelligent Question!
By Madison Hitchcock NASHVILLE, TN – Just days after Panhellenic Preview Day dealt a massive blow to the feminist movement on Vanderbilt’s campus, a new hope emerged on the morning of November 17th, in an 11:10 a.m. MW upper level HOD class. Annie Albright, a senior from Dallas, was reported as taking what may be […]
New Superman is… bi-bise-bionicles? Kissing Boys??!!
By Connor Pattinson It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s LGBTQI representation in American pop culture! The new Superman, Jon Kent, son of the OG Clark Kent and his baby momma Lois Lane, came out as bisexual. This new hunk has been announced to be starting a relationship with another male character. At long last, […]
Vanderbilt Announces Number 1 Rankings in Five Exciting New Categories
The recent release of the USNews university rankings might have some Vandy peeps upset over our dearth of #1 titles. However, let’s not forget all of the amazing things in which Vandy continually comes out on top! Lowest squirrel to sexual assault warning email ratio Vandy is quick to boast the 3:1 squirrel to student […]
Brian Laundrie Defends Abusing, Slaying Fiancée: ‘Mercury was in retrograde’
By: Turd Ferguson VENICE, FLORIDA – On Tuesday, Sarasota County police picked up a cryptic, handwritten note near the entrance of the T. Mabry Carlton Jr. Memorial Reserve. The note was signed by Brian Laundrie – former fiancé and alleged killer of the slain Gabby Petito, an Instagram travel blogger. Petito was reported missing by […]
QUIZ: Can You Tell Which Of These Headlines Were Written By An AI?
Tee Hee Ha Ha Hee Hoo I’m a Silly Little Elf That Craves the Endless Expanse of the Primordial Void
Feeling an ever pervading sense of soul-crushing ennui? Afraid? Like a ship with no rudder? Imposter syndrome like a panicked freshman girl pretending to like bud light at the first tailgate she goes to? Well, do I have news for you. If complete dissociation, depersonalization, derealization, and defecation don’t work for you, put your hands […]
Campus
The Early Signs of Fall, That Suzie’s Hummus and Veggie Wrap Someone Dropped on the Ground and Other Sad Things I Saw This Week
Happy October! The first few days of this fun, funky, flirty, fresh month can signify the start of many things for the average Vanderbilt student—the blooming of colors of the campus trees, pumpkin-spiced everything, the repeated use of yesterday’s hoodie, the opening of the floodgates of the Dance Marathon promotional Instagram stories (or, Dance pyramid […]
Study Finds People Who Say “Vandy Dining Hates Us” Didn’t Have a Good Relationship with their Dad
In a ground-breaking study from the VU Department of Zeppos Father Figures Studies, researchers have discovered a nearly perfect 1:1 correlation between people who think Vandy Dining is personally victimizing them and people whose dads were stingy with their love. This research sent shockwaves through much of the Vanderbilt student body and resulted in many […]
VUceptor Hospitalized Upon Being Reduced to a vuGuest
Throughout our complicated, messy, but valid little lives, we have all had understandable reasons for seeking medical attention. For those of you who were totally popular in high school, it’s getting your stomachs pumped after a legendary night of drinking. For the remaining serfs, its something dumb like kidney stones or scabies. Yet, in the […]
In Attempts to Reduce Number of COVID Cases, Vanderbilt Eliminates Students
BREAKING: Vanderbilt officials have just reported their administration’s bold new step in reducing the reported number of COVID cases. In what many would call a drastic change, Vanderbilt is planning to eliminate the student body. “98% of the rise in COVID cases in recent months has been attributed to the undergraduate students. The logical next […]
Campus Dining Literally Ruined My Life
Maybe you’re wondering why I’m in Memphis donating blood plasma. Or maybe it’s because you saw me literally steal candy from a baby so I could pawn it at the local Cash 4 Gold. Either way, I’ve hit rock bottom on both a financial and ontological level. And it’s all courtesy to that conniving fuck […]
Fiscally Conservative, Socially… Vegetarian? Inside the Deep, Dark World of Frat Guys Who Like Grins
NASHVILLE, TN – A report released early Tuesday morning claimed that, like many Vanderbilt campus dining locations, Grins Vegetarian Café has been struggling to face the demands of operating at full capacity with limited staffing. Aside from the seismic impact felt by the absence of the aggressively happy, non-stop smile-bearing cashier (you know the one), […]