By Turd Ferguson NAPERVILLE, ILLINOIS – Local couple Josh and Alison Miller, both 31, have become quite the trendsetters among the West Naperville community. After stumbling upon Apple TV original series Ted Lasso, the Millers, who just a few years ago couldn’t get enough of Stranger Things, immediately became hooked on the show’s endearing premise […]
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Report: Efforts at Vividly Imagining Cunt Punching Slow Walkers No Closer to Making Them Actually Speed Up
COMMONS BRIDGE — Manifesting, a tried and tested science, once again has failed the speedier students of Vanderbilt University. Hot off the success of the Gillette students imagining better water pressure in their showers moments before disaster and getting more than they asked for, other Vandy students have come face to face with the failures […]
In Attempts to Reduce Number of COVID Cases, Vanderbilt Eliminates Students
BREAKING: Vanderbilt officials have just reported their administration’s bold new step in reducing the reported number of COVID cases. In what many would call a drastic change, Vanderbilt is planning to eliminate the student body. “98% of the rise in COVID cases in recent months has been attributed to the undergraduate students. The logical next […]
Vanderbilt to Turn Football Field into Communal Bathroom so Shit Will Finally Get Done There
In a shocking announcement, Vanderbilt Athletics Director (AD) Buck S. Beatus authorized the transformation of Vanderbilt’s beloved “We’re-so-bad-sponsors-won’t-buy-naming-rights” Stadium into a mass toilet after Saturday night’s debacle. The news was met by a resounding “Vander-who?” from the larger college football-watching world, but sent reverberations through the Vanderbilt athletics community and Clark Lea’s sense of job […]
Campus Dining Literally Ruined My Life
Maybe you’re wondering why I’m in Memphis donating blood plasma. Or maybe it’s because you saw me literally steal candy from a baby so I could pawn it at the local Cash 4 Gold. Either way, I’ve hit rock bottom on both a financial and ontological level. And it’s all courtesy to that conniving fuck […]
Slant: Campus Dining Made Me Cum
We are required to have a meal plan, Vanderbilt should be thanked for the sexual pleasure starvation gives me. In Response to: “WHITE: Vanderbilt Campus Dining made me cry” I came in Rand the other day. Don’t get me wrong: I am a sexual person. Cumming isn’t out of the ordinary for me. It is […]
Fiscally Conservative, Socially… Vegetarian? Inside the Deep, Dark World of Frat Guys Who Like Grins
NASHVILLE, TN – A report released early Tuesday morning claimed that, like many Vanderbilt campus dining locations, Grins Vegetarian Café has been struggling to face the demands of operating at full capacity with limited staffing. Aside from the seismic impact felt by the absence of the aggressively happy, non-stop smile-bearing cashier (you know the one), […]
Campus
Campus Dining Literally Ruined My Life
Maybe you’re wondering why I’m in Memphis donating blood plasma. Or maybe it’s because you saw me literally steal candy from a baby so I could pawn it at the local Cash 4 Gold. Either way, I’ve hit rock bottom on both a financial and ontological level. And it’s all courtesy to that conniving fuck […]
Slant: Campus Dining Made Me Cum
We are required to have a meal plan, Vanderbilt should be thanked for the sexual pleasure starvation gives me. In Response to: “WHITE: Vanderbilt Campus Dining made me cry” I came in Rand the other day. Don’t get me wrong: I am a sexual person. Cumming isn’t out of the ordinary for me. It is […]
Fiscally Conservative, Socially… Vegetarian? Inside the Deep, Dark World of Frat Guys Who Like Grins
NASHVILLE, TN – A report released early Tuesday morning claimed that, like many Vanderbilt campus dining locations, Grins Vegetarian Café has been struggling to face the demands of operating at full capacity with limited staffing. Aside from the seismic impact felt by the absence of the aggressively happy, non-stop smile-bearing cashier (you know the one), […]
When the Immersion Vanderbilt Mob Came for Me
By Hewlett Packin My name is Hewlett Packin and I’m a sophomore at Vanderbilt University majoring in Economics and Human and Organizational Development. Throughout my life, I’ve always felt like an outsider. My family is white and pretty much middle-income, from The Hamptons, New York. Because my parents valued my education, they enrolled me at […]
A Comprehensive Guide of Places to Cry Near Campus for HOD Majors Who Just Failed Their First Baby Bio Exam
For those of you who feel like the Peabody core requirements are “just as intense as AXLE” and couldn’t study for BCSI 1100 because you are SO close to landing that McKinsey gig, this is for you. The gender neutral bathroom in Elliston by the mail room Literally no one knows this is a thing. […]
A Comprehensive Guide to Executive Board Applications
It’s officially spring here in Nashville and high pollen levels aren’t the only thing putting tears in the eyes of the student body. Yes, it’s board application time, when unqualified applicants in their dads’ blazers answer ridiculous questions from equally unqualified board members, all to vie for presidency of the Vanderbilt Oral-B Toothbrush Club. After […]