It was a Friday night. My boyfriend and I had just finished a bottle of rosé and an especially stimulating episode of Diners, Drive Ins, and Dives, and were feeling snacky (the perfect mixture of hungry and horny). So, naturally, he suggested that he eat me out. “One sec, I gotta pee first,” I said, […]
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Gobble, Gobble, Goebels: Thanksgiving with my Neo-Nazi Relatives
Thanksgiving is right around the corner, and if you’re white and from the South like me, that means two things: sweet potatoes and skinheads. Mmhhmmm. Let’s get cookin!!! To be perfectly honest, I love the South: There’s nothing better than good ol’ Southern cooking. Biscuits, stuffing… with a spread this good, you can hardly notice […]
10 Facts About Vanderbilt that the Tour Guides Don’t Want You to Know
(Photo by Claire Barnett)1. There’s a guy inside of Mr. C. It’s true! Inside our beloved mascot is just a dude who controls the body. Presumably he’s a student or someone else affiliated with Vandy. Maybe he’s just some random guy. Who knows? 2. We don’t actually have that many squirrels; it’s just three or […]
Sessions Hides in Melania’s Closet to Escape Eviction Notice
White HouseIt seems Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III finally got the hint that he wasn’t wanted at the White House anymore. After months of Donald Trump dropping clues to get Sessions to pack up his clothes and get out, Trump finally had to confront him face to face. “I tried doing little things like mentioning that […]
We’re Only Three Emotional Breakdowns Away from Thanksgiving
Friends, with Spooky Season coming to an end and No-Shave November starting off, I can already see the leaves falling, smell the turkey cooking and hear my grandfather screaming at my lesbian aunt about how her flannels are destroying America or whatever. That’s right—as I remind myself about five times a day, Thanksgiving is right […]
SAE Brother Takes DNA Test, Reveals Trace of GDI Ancestry
Following the lead of the brave authentic Cherokee Indian Elizabeth Warren, SAE brother Spencer Hawthorne released his DNA test from MinorityAndMe this past week, revealing traces of GDI ancestry. “I was hoping to see some kind of cool result, like 20% black so I could start saying the n-word in rap songs,” admitted Spencer. “But […]
Someone in the Rand Dining Staff Wants Me Dead
WARNING: This article contains graphic content some audiences may find disturbing. Reader discretion is advised. I always knew my time would come to kick the bucket, but I always imagined it being on a comfortable hospital bed surrounded by my wife and kids. I certainly never thought it would happen during my sophomore year in […]
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10 Facts About Vanderbilt that the Tour Guides Don’t Want You to Know
(Photo by Claire Barnett)1. There’s a guy inside of Mr. C. It’s true! Inside our beloved mascot is just a dude who controls the body. Presumably he’s a student or someone else affiliated with Vandy. Maybe he’s just some random guy. Who knows? 2. We don’t actually have that many squirrels; it’s just three or […]
Scissors: We will never know how they work, but thank the lord they do
A wild pair of scissorsI had a piece of paper. I needed to cut it in two. I know what you’re thinking, civilization simply hasn’t created technology sophisticated enough to handle this problem. Sure, we have virtual reality porn; however, as a society, we have to create our technologies with some priorities. But how in […]
How A Vandy Student/Yankee Fan Should Cope With David Price Winning the World Series
I know this article is very niche and won’t pertain to many of you, but I am going to talk to a very small, underrepresented demographic on campus: the New York based Vanderbilt students. These are tough times we’re living in. The Red Sox won the World Series, the city of Boston is having another […]
Top 10 Spoooookiest Halloween Costumes
PumpkinWell shove a pumpkin up my ass and call me spooky, it’s October! Here are ten Slant-approved costumes to try out this year for the greatest holiday on earth: Halloween! A Sexy CommodorePhoto by Claire BarnettShow your Vandy pride by going as our very own mascot, Mr. Commodore. While his muscular thighs and perfect quiff […]
‘Bout Balls – Transcript Released of Sideline Fight at Vandy Football Game
Vanderbilt loses to Florida in football on Saturday, October 13, 2018. (Photo by Claire Barnett)Late in the second quarter of the Vanderbilt-Florida game, a fight erupted after a questionable hit on a Vanderbilt punt return. When tending to the injured player, Vanderbilt head coach Derek Mason and Florida’s Dan Mullen got into a verbal spat […]
