By Sammie Roe Hey babie girl, It’s Sammie! Your bestie festie roomie. I just wanted to let you know why I left your party early. I had an essay due that night at 11:59 PM and I completely forgot about it until we were taking shots of Jack Daniels, and...
Last Saturday, when I went down to the little Italian deli to pick up some fresh salamis, I saw the most appalling headline on the newsstand: “Joe Biden Cancels Student Loan Debt.” When I voted for Joe Biden back in 2020 I did so proudly. I thought to myself, here’s...
Dear Professor, I just wanted to apologize for my thoughtlessness in asking you to reschedule your midterm. You were right in your refusal to do so. It was a gross oversight on my part, as I should have considered the importance of your midterm over Yom Kippur. You clearly established...
West Orange Pavilion Mall Security Officer Paul Blart has been placed on paid suspension following his actions at the outlet’s Build-A-Bear Workshop. On Friday, September 30, 2022, Blart made his rounds near the Auntie Anne’s Pretzels for the fourth time when he noticed “suspicious characters” approaching the beloved stuffed animal...
Kids these days. They don’t remember the troubling times of the lawless, anarchic 2000s where anything went. Y2K embedded a youthful nonchalance in newly-wed couples to give their children anything plastic into which they could sink their teeth. Asbestos was out, but microplastics were IN. Late-night TV ads offered a...
