Office of Housing Informs Towers Residents of Upcoming Explosion Work

Residents of Carmichael Towers West aka the students we don’t really care about,

As you know, construction has begun on the next Residential College at Vanderbilt. The site is fenced in and some surface clearing is underway. The purpose of this notice is to provide information about some noisy work that will begin very soon. And by “noisy work,” we mean we are about to make your lives a living hell.

Because Nashville sits on limestone that is very close to the surface, excavating the site requires blasting the bedrock so that it can be removed. In order to remove it, we plan to begin full scale explosions. We’re talking some Michael Bay-level stuff here.

Explosions are noisy and dusty. Duh. We have amassed as much dynamite and C-4 as we were legally allowed, and plan to detonate it constantly to prevent you from sleeping through a full REM cycle ever again.

We wish we could avoid these measures but construction of a new residential college from which you will literally never benefit requires them. And to be perfectly honest, we don’t care what happens on our campus as long as we beat Rice University in next year’s college rankings.

Detonations will begin during the week of January 29. Mushroom cloud-inducing explosions are expected to begin around February 15, twice per day, or however many times we want because it turns out that blowing stuff up is actually pretty fun. We expect that this work will continue throughout the spring semester, because why would we ever consider doing this during the summer when students’ lives won’t be constantly affected?

To limit the disruptions and inconveniences of construction (besides just postponing the construction), Vanderbilt requires the builder to postpone particularly noisy explosions until 8:00 a.m. or later. Less noisy work can occur before 8:00 a.m., including movements of trucks and the sounds of the administration laughing about how even with $600 million they’re not going to install ovens so people still have to pay for meal plans.

We apologize for these inconveniences but they are necessary for Vanderbilt to take its next steps in development of the College Halls program and upgrading our housing facilities. Because ever since we rebuilt Kissam, we’ve had an unquenchable thirst for improving Vanderbilt’s image by any and all means necessary, so we believe this construction is worth turning your lives into a neverending waking nightmare.

Your understanding is greatly appreciated.