Maybe Freud Was Right: The Pros of Having a Penis


By Ruhi Patel

Ever since the Barbie movie came out, I’ve been thinking a lot about the patriarchy. It’s no secret that men tend to have a leg up in the world, but let’s talk about that third leg. What’s so special about it? Clearly, a lot because my favorite psych girlie Sigmund Freud spent a lot of time thinking about it. Now, ‘penis envy’ might be a strong term for it; I prefer to think of it more as ‘penis curiosity,’ but he had the right idea. 

The first and most obvious advantage of having a penis is being able to pee standing up. I don’t know about you fellow squatters out there but I do not have enough calf strength for this lifestyle. It would just be so much easier to follow the three S’s: stand, squirt, and shake! Plus, there’s something really romantic about it all. Once you pee next to someone, you’re bonded for life. The feeling of making prolonged eye contact with a fellow bro while you both let out a stream into a communal trough is something I, as a woman, will never experience. But man, I really wish I could. 

Another cool little benefit of having a penis is being able to lie about your height. Something about that penis just gives men the confidence to add a couple of inches to their height and the penis itself (equal opportunity, of course). This one really hits home for me because I am 5-foot-1. But, if only I had a dick and some balls, I could easily say that I’m 5-foot-4. The leading mathematicians of the world still can’t figure out how this works, but I swear it is so real. Don’t try to double-check my theory though because, for some odd reason, you can’t just approach random men with a tape measure. 

Last, but definitely not least, is a cheeky little feature I like to call the “penis pocket” (Patent Pending). Men’s boxers have a little hole out front to pee out of– and sometimes it even has a button! In my humble opinion, that’s the best thing since sliced bread. Sure, I could go to Walmart and purchase some boxers, and I have, but I don’t have a penis. And poking my finger out pretending I have one gets really old really fast.

If I haven’t already convinced you why having a penis is the coolest thing ever then you need to recheck your literacy rates. Sure, they’re gross, shrivel-y, and stinky, but those are small prices to pay when you’re getting an 18% salary increase because of the little guy (or big guy, your call). And if you don’t wanna listen to me, listen to Freud. He was definitely not at all biased, and he knew what he was talking about. I mean, hot moms AND sex dreams? What a beautiful mind.

  • November 2, 2023