I Won’t Take Handouts from the Government but I Will Take Them from God


Last Saturday, when I went down to the little Italian deli to pick up some fresh salamis, I saw the most appalling headline on the newsstand: “Joe Biden Cancels Student Loan Debt.” When I voted for Joe Biden back in 2020 I did so proudly. I thought to myself, here’s a good, strong, Catholic American man that’s going to put our great country back on track. Well, apparently I thought wrong. Back in my day we didn’t need handouts from the government. No, we got them from God. 

Listen, don’t get me wrong, I love education. I went to college. I got my degree in education from a small Catholic school. But my mother didn’t want to pay for her daughter to go to college. All the money she had saved for me was supposed to go toward paying for my wedding. So I got some of those student loans that those millennials just love to complain about and when I couldn’t pay them back, I did the honorable thing: I joined the sisterhood.

Becoming a nun wasn’t an easy choice. To be honest, at the time, I didn’t even really believe in God. To be even more honest, I found myself to be more of a believer in Big Foot, but being a cryptid hunter doesn’t pay the bills. All I knew was that if I took that vow of poverty then all of my debts would be wiped clean and taken care of by the taxpayers (one of whom I am no longer). 

And you know what? Being a nun isn’t even that bad. I have fun. I get to pray the Rosary every day and garden while listening to recordings of Jesus Christ Superstar and Sister Act. I don’t have to worry about what I’ll wear nor do I worry about whether or not I’m going to be able to make my student loan payment at the end of the month.  

Sure, it would have been nice to have gotten married and have a family. But those kids probably would have wanted to go to college and that would have just meant more student loans and I sure as heck would never let any child of mine accept stupid loan “forgiveness” from the government. In my house, the only forgiveness comes from God. So yeah, I may not have a husband who works long hours during the week but spends the weekend tending to his grill and my needs, nor do I have a boy and a girl named Mothman and Nessie who I take out with me into the forest to lay traps and find those colossal footprints, but I am both debt free AND sin free, so thanks a lot Biden.

  • October 15, 2022