What to Do if There’s a Tornado and You Aren’t a Wimp


By Slant Staff 

Look, tornadoes are no joke and neither is this protocol. We all know the warning signs for a tornado (I actually did not and had to google them), but if you hear a noise that sounds like a freight train over the sound of your sex playlist, which is really just your study playlist, take note. 

  1. Free the monkeys in the labs under Wilson

If everyone is following some lame protocol that tells them to duck and cover, no one will be thinking about those trapped monkeys. This is where you come in. Amidst the chaos, run through the dark greenish light from the sky all the way to Wilson. Make sure you have a banana in your pocket so that you can feed those angelic souls and get you a little potassium. Once you have arrived at the labs, make sure to spray paint the PETA logo so no one can trace it back to you. Give all monkeys a forehead kiss and put them in the multiple bjorns I assume you already have if you’re still reading this. Don’t return back to your dorm because, dude, there’s a tornado. Instead, run to the CVS on 21st and wait out the storm with your new family. Give them anything they want from the As-Seen-On-TV section. Godspeed. 

  1. After writing that first point I googled the Wilson monkey labs

Guys we gotta free those goddamn primates. I do not know if I need to cite my sources because they never told me if I need to make things APA or MLA when I write my high brow pieces for this org but all of the facts are from a PETA article that’s basically called holy shit Vanderbilt is obsessed with animal testing. I also need to be upfront: I am in no way, shape or form affiliated with PETA. I eat meat and I get that this is me being a holier than thou little bigot. But hear me out: in 2007 Vanderbilt was sued because the experimenter did not give a monkey named Lil Wayne enough water and he died of dehydration. A Vandy funded scientist KILLED an innocent LIL WAYNE. I am not the most up to date on scientific advances but I know that it has been well established that dehydration = BAD and I don’t know why this researcher had to fact check that. Oh, and get this: they killed another monkey in 2008, and worse they didn’t even release her name so I’ll name her Lady Di because I bet she was a candle in the wind. Guys this sucks. All of this was happening beneath an econ lecture hall. It’s bad enough these creatures are getting experimented on—them having to hear two 5’9 guys explain fintech to each other through the walls is just salt in the wound. Ugh, they also killed four guinea pigs in a Wilson experiment this year. That’s enough to cast another G-Force. I am currently eating a grilled chicken sandwich with mozzarella on top so, like, I can’t throw red paint on anyone for their animal views. I also am in no way qualified to give suggestions on how to stop this, but even I know we must venerate these deeply wronged animals. So hear me out, admin: a Lil Wayne and Lady Di memorial trampoline park. It’s the least you can do for the monkeys that died martyrs and for me, because I want a trampoline. 

  • March 22, 2023