Move Over RBG, My New Female Role Model is an M&M


It’s hard being a woman. I get paid significantly less than men and, if I want to nature pee, I have to hold a weird funnel. Life is hard enough as is, but having that double X chromosome makes it that much harder. It is important that we women have someone to look up to other than a man. 

Throughout my life, I have had a handful of female role models to emulate: Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Joan of Arc, Monica Lewinsky and, of course, Bonnie Parker. They’ve all inspired me to never let the men bring me down, whether I’m sporting a questionable haircut while fighting the British or actively robbing a bank. However, even with all the amazing women with the potential to inspire, there was always something missing. Joan of Arc was too flammable, Monica and RBG were too supportive of the Democrats and Bonnie had terrible taste in men!

I was in my local CVS, perusing the candy aisle when all of the sudden something caught my eye. Three powerful women displayed across a single candy bag: the brown, green, and (NEW) purple M&Ms. This is the first time an M&M bag has featured all women, and it’s arguably the biggest step in women’s rights since the 19th amendment. The brown M&M is sassy: her glasses and heels indicate she is smart but still down to party. The green M&M looks at you coquettishly but powerfully. She’s definitely on her way to fire someone. And the new purple M&M stands with her index finger pointed up, motioning to the glass ceiling the three chocolate ladies are on their way to break. 

I thought this was enough! All three are powerful and beautiful. They already rival my other female role models. But then I learned there is so much more to them. Tucker Carlson revealed that the purple M&M is plus-size! Thank you, Carlson, that makes her so much more inspiring. Despite being plus-size, the purple M&M still made it on the front of an M&M package. The yellow M&M, who is the exact same shape and size as the purple M&M, has never been front and center. He is too scared to take on the fat-phobic media and instead flees to the background. But not the purple M&M. She says “look at me in all my purple glory.” She’s showing little girls everywhere that women are braver than men.

But that wasn’t all! The green M&M, according to various conservative sources, is lesbian! Though this begs the question of how M&Ms even procreate, I’ll take it as a win. Not only is she obviously a powerful businesswoman, but apparently she is also a gay icon. I wonder if she and the brown M&M have a little something going on. Maybe that will be a special Valentine’s Day package. 

Mere months after this packaging surfaced, the M&M corporation put a stop to their powerful new product. No surprise, the CEO of the M&M Corporation is a man. The women were too powerful for America; the world was not ready. 

My posters of human female leaders have all been replaced by human-sized portraits of my new role models: the brown, green and purple M&Ms. No other women have emulated “I am woman; hear me roar,” quite like them. They remind me that I can do anything a man can do and still have a delicious chocolate center. 

  • March 6, 2023