Vanderbilt’s Hottest New Club: Dores Invest


By: Meghan Halvey

Looking for a way to make sure you get that job at Exxon once you graduate? Look no further. After over a year of Chancellor Daniel Diermeier ignoring and rejecting the causes of the University’s guerilla group Dores Divest, Diermeier decided to launch Vanderbilt’s “hottest” new club: Dores Invest! 

Dores Invest is focused on the continuation of Vanderbilt’s investment in fossil fuel companies, with hopes of expanding to other top universities in the near future. Along with the collaboration of student leaders such as Ben Shapiro and Jack Harlow, the club has plans to “expand the impacts of climate change drastically,” just in time for Diermeier to retire with a nice $4,200,000  bonus package funded by Chevron Corporation. To do this, student club members will be offered private jet-rides across the country and back – without ever getting out – paid for by the tuition of Divest executive board members. 

Diermeier explains that club meetings will consist of shit-talking Dores Divest and discussions on the best way to disband the environmental student organization SPEAR. Club events will include weekly “Fridays for Fossil Fuels” with special appearances from speakers such as climate denier Marsha Blackburn, Tennessee’s first female senator! Club president Shapiro says they will also have a collaboration with that ice-pop place that keeps coming to campus for super random events. 

The application process is rumored to be rigorous. Applicants must show demonstrated proof of acts of eco-terrorism around campus, essays on why climate change is not “our issue,” and a notarized agreement that, had you been alive, you would have voted for Reagan. Diermeier says that resumés including internships with BP during the spring of 2010 will be given top priority. 

“I would just like to thank any fellow who partook in that oil spill,” Diermeier said. “After seeing those birds covered in oil on TV, I knew I had to do what I could to give back.” 

Be on the lookout for application forms due next week!

  • February 3, 2022