Tankini Time! Study Suggests Acting Like an Immature 13-Year-Old Will Give You That Sexy Preadolescent Body Again


By: Julia Schmitt

Your grandmother, my grandmother and America’s Matt Gaetz agree: you were a hot piece of ass in seventh grade! Thigh gap? Braless? Grossly asleep in a world waterboarded in serpentine patriarchal injustice? Bummer, seems like you really let yourself go by letting your body develop with age.  

Goofy fad diets — keto, intermittent fasting, the entire Greenery Co. menu — have promised weight loss with no follow through. But you are an enneagram four: you aren’t like most girls (thank GOD). You need an exceptionally more problematic means of pursuing the already problematic pursuit of looking hot. A new study — inspired by a rejected Immersion project proposal — suggests behaviorally devolving to a preteen could finally grace you that sexy little preadolescent bod! You know, the one preadolescent TikTokers rudely gatekeep and postadolescent college men alarmingly worship.  

In a whopping sample size of one (one participant for each type of female that exists), the subject  was instructed to engage in various childish antics for a zillion hours. Tasks ranged from prank calling people via *67 to standing in line at the door of a fraternity house as if it was goddamn Splash Mountain, begging for some ED-admitted, adderall-infused terrorist in your Peabody stats class to let you in. The subject’s body went into such shock from this immaturity her body simply became that of a child again. They weren’t joking about that mind-body connection!

Qualitative evidence suggests the belly fat evolutionarily designed to protect her organs simply enveloped into her body.  Data also reports her breasts floated away like balloons, reminiscent of that silly Disney movie UP — yet here the balloons are body parts you need to exist and instead of a house they are lifting away the shame of having those body parts you need to exist.  Gee, I love being a believer of science.  

The study’s principal investigator — the pledge master of previously referenced adderall-infused terrorist — compiled a comprehensive list of other fat loss behaviors. Wearing tankinis, justifying vague platitudes with “iykyk,” and calling a Cracker Barrel pretending it’s a Victoria Secret to inquire about their stock of DDs will also suffice.  The PI also suggests wearing a tampon incorrectly because no well meaning preteen should know how to put something up there.  

In the words of Susan B. Anthony, “It’s never too late for women to not be ugly.” With the groundbreaking research of a world class university on our side, there is literally no excuse to not be hot. I personally anticipate this study’s implications to shatter campus tier systems and social barriers — if everyone is hot, nobody is.  

So come on gal pals! Let’s finish out 2021 strong and reject all laws of biology, anatomy, and self-respect!

  • February 7, 2022